Moist Eyes

It is Tuesday morning. And I would be flat out lying if I said I am not dreading the coming of tomorrow. And that makes me really sad. And I don't think that is a bad thing. What you can't see is that while I am trying to type this, tears are freely falling onto my really cozy blankets. For the past two weeks I have been trying to look at the positive, been saying that it will be fine, smiling and nodding when people tell me they're sorry I pulled the short straw. But I don't think that I've really let myself feel what I'm feeling, and that is sad.

I know that once I get there it will be fine. But today is really hard. And I think that is ok.

15 days is a long time. Being away from home on Christmas is different. Probable rain everyday for the next week sucks. Living 'normally' for two weeks and then not is uprooting. I could go on, but I don't really care to.

These next two weeks are going to be hard. Today is hard. I ask that you keep me and the kids in your prayers.

I don't really have anything else to say. So to close, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, remembering that Jesus is the reason for celebration. I will be back in the New Year, probably with interesting stories and memories that will be with me for the rest of my life.

Until next time, it's ok to be sad. 


"And all the earth will shout Your praise
Our hearts will cry, these bones will sing
Great are You, Lord"


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It is a little later on Tuesday, and I'd thought I'd do something a little different with this post and update it throughout the day. So here is part two.

After I wrote part 1, I got up and did my morning workout. During that time I played some worship music. Just as I was finishing my workout and doing some cool down yoga a new song came on. And as I was dripping sweat, bowing with my face on the ground this song overwhelmed me.

It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco 

I love the song It Is Well, but have never heard this version. It blew me away. "So let go my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name." I really encourage you to click on the song title and take the time to listen to this beautiful song. I am still sad, but I know that God has something planned for me these next two weeks and 'through it all my eyes are on You and through it all it is well.'

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Part 3:

I can officially say that today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. After Part 2 of this post, I went to the Y and got Oxygen certified, basically meaning I know a bunch of random ratios and numbers that will allow me to give you oxygen if you need it. More interesting I also got to meet my boss's puppy! He is a cute little white lab named Moose, and it brought a lot of joy to my heart. I then went to the store to get some things for the next couple weeks, mainly some poptarts and goldfish. It's the little things that keep me sane. Following this I found out that for this week I will be in the oldest girls group, a group I have never been in with two other staff I have never worked with. It will be an interesting start to my two weeks! Then as I was beginning to pack up my mobile life my sister, Joanna, texted me. She said, "i think god has a christmas present for you, if you will, on this year's very different christmas morning. I'm not sure what it might be, but you'll find it if you ask him and keep your eye out :)" At this point, I was quite literally balling my eyes out. The conversation lasted about half a hour and was filled with encouragement, scripture and worship. She said things that I needed to hear and I am so thankful for her and her words.

I have cried more today than probably the past 8 months combined, including when I was in my car accident, which now that I think about it didn't really involve too much crying. Anyway, I don't really know why to be honest. And I also think that I will look back and feel slightly embarrassed, but these are the things I am feeling. Today has also been filled with lots of worship for me. I am deeply trying to focus on Jesus not only for strength but also for joy.

In other news (kinda) here is what I have been gathering over the past few days to bring out into the woods for the kids to try to make Christmas and NYE a little more special. In the middle of it all is a card that I got from my grandpa saying, "Thou shall call the name of Jesus. For He shall save His people from their sins." This year is going to be very different, but the reason for Christmas, Jesus, is still the same and will continue to be regardless of where I am. I pray that these small gifts bring some joy and memories and more importantly, that I can be a light to the kids. The day is not over yet but I guess you could say I was right when I woke up this morning and knew it'd be a hard day. But even throughout the hard and the sad and the many many tears, I know that Jesus has a plan and it is good.


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Part 4:

Well this will be my last update for this post. The day is finally winding down and I think that I've cried all the tears I will cry today. I also think that I needed this. There's probably some cheesy quote about a good cry being good for you soul, so maybe a day full of 'good cries' will be extra good for my soul. This evening I got to talk to my parents one last time before I head out and it was pretty great. They, just like others today, gave me lots of words of encouragement and support. My mom told me a mini story ending with the prayer of, 'give me the grace.' A great reminder as I go into the next couple weeks. We ended our conversation with a prayer that may have gotten teary eyed on both ends. I am reminded by them that I am exactly where God wants me to be. So for now, I am going to listen to that song I mentioned earlier one more time and curl up in my blankets one last time for the next 15 days. Thanks for listening to me blubber today, and I guess I'll see you on the other side.

Until next time, trust you are where you are suppose to be and make the most out of it. 

** One last tid bit (just can't get rid of me huh)
I watched the last part of the Christmas Eve service at Willow Creek online. During which I was reminded somewhat of my younger days and how God really filled an empty space in my life that I tried to fill with meaningless things, and how clearly I see that in so many of the kids that I work with. I hope that God can use me these next few weeks to somehow convey that to them and show his love through my life. I also was Face-timed in by my dad and got to see my dad, mom, David, and Kendra, as Willow sang Silent Night, a tradition I have realized that I took for granted. It was awkward (via face time) and wonderful and hard. And once again, the tears came. I'm thankful for the virtual hugs but I am so sick of crying. So family, I love you dearly and am so grateful for each of you. But for now, for my sake and the sake of my eyeballs, I'm going to go to bed to put this day and post behind me. Insert awkward ending and no emotional or mental energy to figure out what else I can conclude with.

Asheville to Chicago... Wait, this sounds familiar?

Believe it or not last Thursday I got up at 4:40a to catch a flight back home. It felt like I was commuting back and forth from Chicago! I also happened to be too tired to pack a suitcase, but luckily I was too lazy to unpack from my last trip, so I just zipped it up and threw it in the car! Going home this time around was much welcomed as I had a really hard week in the woods. I knew it was going to be emptier, without my siblings, but I was going to be at home and with my parents - and that was all I wanted. I'm thankful that the shift is behind me and even with it just a week in the past it already seems distant. Yesterday was the first Wednesday in 7 and a half months that I did not get up and drive to work! As I was laying in my beautiful bed at home, snuggled up with blankets and pillows, I was definitely not upset about not going to work. Knowing that I still have six more days before I head out into the woods is both really nice and kind of daunting. But for now, I'm just going to try to focus on the present.. or the past.


Following is the account of the few days I spent at home. Warning: it is a full few days!

So I got home on Thursday and then Friday morning Mom, Dad and I headed back to O'hare to hop on a plane to Boston to see my dad's brother and family. I hadn't seen them in about a year and a half and it was a long over due visit! We shared stories over meals that were eaten with forks, I played Pretty Pretty Princess with my three younger cousins and also explained how VHSs work, we shot guns at the gun club, and went to a talent show that I 'talentfully' commentated on. It was really enjoyable being around younger kids who I didn't have to monitor constantly and who weren't cussing me out. Overall it was a great visit and I'm thankful for that time to spend with them. We flew back to Chicago Sunday evening and it is fair to say that I was pretty pooped. It had been since the previous Wednesday (week and a half) that I hadn't been around people or traveling, that's a considerable amount of time for an introvert. I welcomed the silence and solitude with open arms and spent the majority of Monday alone.

But with only a few remaining days at home I still had to make the most of the time, so Monday night I headed up to Wisconsin to meet up with Marissa and go climbing. It was so good to see her without months and months in between the last visit and it was great to climb again, a routine we did every Thursday when I lived in WI last year. After climbing we went to our favorite bowling ally for a couple rounds of darts and a beer. Once again I'm thankful for her and her friendship.

Tuesday also happened to be packed with activities. Because in case you didn't know Tuesday the 15th was Christmas! At least for me it was. So like usual I hadn't bought all of my Christmas presents, so Tuesday morning I went out shopping for a couple of gifts. It didn't take too long and I had to retrain myself from buying anything from REI for myself! But I managed to get all of my presents wrapped and under the tree. The rest of the day was spent doing miscellaneous things and once again, enjoying solitude. When Dad came home we rushed off to the store and bought some things for dinner, came home, and prepared dinner. Then the three of us (Mom, Dad, and myself) ate said dinner. Wasn't that an interesting chain of events? We opened gifts. I was given: a mini machete, a led fireplace heater, gummy worms, a down blanket, a hyroflask, a car battery charger, and probably something else I'm forgetting. All in all, a good haul! Thank you Mom and Dad.

I could say the obvious: Christmas was a little different this year, but I don't think that really conveys how I feel about it. A few weeks ago one of the students in a group had a round (meaning, they propose a question and everyone goes around and gives their answer). Her question was something along the lines of: if you could go back in time to either change something or do something when would you go and why? Almost instantly when the question was asked I knew what my answer was and I don't even really know why it came to mind. But my answer was that I would want to go back to when I was younger on Christmas morning with my family before we opened presents. Not to change anything, but just to be in that moment. I can vividly see and feel these memories. Fire in the fire place behind the stockings, Christmas music in the background, coffee in Mom and Dad's hands and steam on Dad's glasses as he took a sip. The sun coming through the doors and on the tree with whatever color lights we fought over that yer. Joanna still looking a little groggy and wrapped up in a blanket, David with a cup of OJ or milk and brownies. And Casey laying in the middle of everything. So, yeah, this year was a little different. As have been many of the years since those memories. I am so grateful for my family and will truly miss not being with them this year. But I am grateful for the time I got to spend with my parents and build new memories.

Well, I'm going to hop off that sad train and continue with the blog. Wednesday, as I mentioned, I spent the morning very cheerful to not be heading into the woods and then that transferred into me being cheerful for meeting up for lunch with Laura and Amanda, two friends from Timber-lee. It was so fun to get caught up on their lives. Also fun, Laura who is recently engaged (yay!) asked me to be in her wedding next fall! I'm so happy for her and can't wait to be a part of her big day. The day ended with having dinner with Mom and Dad and relaxing.

In a few hours I'll be getting ready to head back to O'hare so a plane can take me back to Asheville. This time there is no set plan to come back, I actually really have no idea when the next time I'll be coming home will be. This thought makes me kind of sad, as I have genuinely enjoyed being at home with my parents and friends. But who knows what the future holds and what adventures await!

Until next time, may the force be with you. (in honor of StarWars)

Oh, I looked for awhile to find a picture that captures the memory of Christmas I was explaining, but I couldn't find one that some member of my family wouldn't glare at me if I put it up. So instead I will show you this one! A picture of my early hiking instructor days and my deep love for my sister.