Tuesday Nights

Tomorrow I will be going in for work on my fifth shift and I have come to realize that Tuesday nights are weird. It is a weird feeling going to bed knowing that I won't return to my bed for 8 more nights. 8 nights really isn't that long, but when you are in the field.. it is definitely a long time. I feel like I have to get everything in on Tuesday that I won't be able to have for 8 more days but I also know that I need to sleep so I can be rested, yet sleep doesn't really come easy on Tuesday nights.

I got a lot in these past few days. And you know how people say there's no bad time to start working out? Well I slightly disagree. Since I work at the Y I now have access to a gym, which I am so thankful for! I figured no time like the present to get back into lifting weights, so Sunday I benched and did shoulders and back and Monday legs and then ran. I think I may have been too gun-ho, because I am really freakin' sore. And normally it would be a good sore, but I have to keep up with teenage boys and I can barely get off the couch! I guess it's a good thing there aren't any couches in the woods. 

I also remembered today that I told some of the boys I would bring them some books. Get this, the boys in my group have discovered a love for reading and writing. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! Seriously, I may not have all the crazy adventure, rock climbing, white water rafting, sky diving, stories that earn the other staff points, but I get to connect with teenage boys over reading and writing. Let me say that again... teenage boys - reading and writing. Yeah, it's like I'm using my college degree, who would've thought?! So I decided that I would check out the used book store. Unfortunately my 3-4 BOXES of books are being safely stored in my parent's basement. Pity. But I found a couple that might work and used book stores are pretty cheap. Here's the trick, I get to give the boys a challenge to earn the books! So I'll be scheming of challenges on my drive tomorrow morning.

Most of the staff have some musical instrument that they will bring into the field with them: flutes, weird other country instruments, even a guitar. The students love it because one thing they miss the most is music. It can be a great tool. So I also had started thinking of what I could learn and bring that wouldn't add too much weight. I landed on the Ukulele. Small and pretty cool, too. So naturally I started trying to figure out how I could get one in my possession. Unfortunately I didn't start thinking about this until this afternoon. I passed a pawn shop on my run the other day and figured that might be a good place to start. Instead of being an intelligent human being and I don't know, calling the shop to ask if they had one, I decided to take a walk. I quickly learned that I had run a lot further than I remembered and that jeans was a bad wardrobe choice on a very warm day in NC. On the way to my destination I passed an actual music store, so I stopped in even just to get inside somewhere. The nice sales man showed me all the choices I had and was really helpful! I learned that Ukuleles start right around $40. Whaaaaat?! But it's so tiny!? I was not about to spend that money because I am my father's daughter after all and chances were I could find a used one elsewhere. So I told the man I was still looking around and reluctantly headed back out into the sun. I was glistening with sweat when I had arrived at the pawn shop only to learn they did not have one. I'm sure you can image my disappointment. I lingered in the store that had glorious air conditioning before braving the trek back. I was very much dripping when I got back to my apartment and definitely grumbling. But I directed my frustration to the interwebs! Surly there had to be something on Craigslist. Nope! Not for under $40. Well... EBAY! Closer, except I was definitely skeptical of the ones that were more reasonable priced. What's the point of paying less if it is just going to break when you open the box? Amazon? No luck. Other pawn shops in Asheville? This time I got smart and used my phone first. Both had some! Neither under $45. So the moral of the story is that I don't have a Ukulele, walking sucks, and if you want to donate to my Ukulele fund I am now accepting all forms of payment. (that's only half a joke)

In other news my neighbor has taken to sitting on my porch. I am less than enthused about this but still figuring out what to do about it because I like having internet and he might get offended and take back my sweet deal if I tell him to scram. Also he waters my plans when I'm gone. I might just have to share. 

Speaking of plants! Check it out! As you can see my tomato plant is growing up so fast! And oh my melons! Look at that beautiful vining plant. My butterfly flower decided to bloom again, which I'm very happy about as well. Neither of the plants have produced tomatoes or cantaloupe, but maybe when I get back. 

Anyway, it is about time for me to turn in. I already have my packs packed and ready to go, my apartment cleaned and ready for my return, and my plants watered. So tomorrow I will go on my fifth shift, as ready as I can be for whatever awaits. When you think of me pray for me and the boys I'm working with. 

Until next time, enjoy your beds and couches. They are a luxury. 

 Oh yeah,  I took this picture when I was wandering today. One of the benefits of walking I guess.

It's kinda cool. I like it :)

Got to get it out

I've been writing a lot today. Letters, poetry, journaling, and now here I am writing this post. Ever since high school I have found writing to be such a peaceful thing for me. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think that it has to do partly with the lack of rules. I can be totally free in my writing, not afraid of judgement; it's a way for me to truly express what I am feeling. So I just wanted to prep you, I'm diving into some thoughts in this post. It will probably sound a little different than my others.

When I came off shift last Wednesday I had a lot of mixed feelings going on. On one hand, I felt pretty dang good. Three of the boys I have been working with told me I was their favorite staff and the person who they felt had helped them the most. When I heard this, from the mouths of teenage boys, it was a very powerful moment. To hear that you have made an impact, made a difference in someone's life, is well... powerful. God was using me in these boys' lives. How freakin' cool! I also hadn't showered for 9 days and was surprisingly not as smelly as I expected. But after I showered and slept in my bed that night I woke up the next day feeling.. unsettled. I have felt disappointed in the community, or lack of that I have in NC. I have known since I was in high school that I am not a social butterfly and making friends does not always come naturally for me. I have found it is even harder to make friends as an adult. Even more so when you are an adult in a place where you know no one and are only around for 6 days at a time. The community I was hoping to find with the people I work with isn't exactly what I am looking for. Don't get me wrong, the people are great and when I needed help after my car accident I felt so supported and cared for by all of them. But it just isn't a natural click for me, and I understand who I am now to know that I don't want to just adapt and try to fit into something I am not. So I looked to my other job and soon realized that the majority of my co-workers are the same age as the boys that I work with in the woods. There is nothing wrong with high schoolers and if anything they provide some good laughs, but I'm not trying to hang out with a bunch of 16 year olds. To be honest, I'm not even sure if that's legal? But I digress. And I know that church is a great place to get connected but it is also difficult when every other Sunday I am praising Jesus from the woods with birds, praying one of my students doesn't think it's a good day to take a run. And where else are you suppose to make friends as an adult? The hip bar on a Friday night? No thanks. A book club? Doubtful. Sitting on the sidewalk with a hand painted sign proclaiming, 'need friendship, will buy first coffee!' I think you get the point, but in case you don't: Point is, I had (have) a need and I didn't (don't) feel like it is being met. I was feeling down. I mean, I can't even have a dog or a cat! So I called my parents and chatted with them for awhile. And as always, felt encouraged and loved by the time I hung up the phone. I was reminded that some things take time.  That I have come so far and done so well. That I have had so many 'wins' and have survived a major car accident and bounced back quickly. That I have been rockin' my job and I have second job, which I am also rockin'. Things are good. And, again, some things take time. I was reminded that God will answer my prayers and he will do it in his perfect timing. I take comfort in that.

Next topic. Quick transition, huh? I'm on a roll, don't try to stop me! This is a topic that I promise I will not talk about often, primarily because I don't really think about it too often, but every once in awhile it sneaks up on me and slaps me in the face. This happens to be one of those times. BOYS! Oh how lovely. For whatever reason the past few days I have been thinking a lot about the men who I have dated or had been talking to in the past. Whether it was triggered by a song or a car (since I tend to associate the cars people drive to the actual person.. thanks dad) or whatever it was that made me think of that person. I have thought about what I have liked about those individuals and also reminded myself about wasn't working, either with them or me or combined in the relationship. And I've also looked at where I am now. I'm 23 years old, living on my own, fully supporting myself off two jobs, and for the most part, pretty dang happy. You could say that I'm pretty independent. Actually if I recall correctly (which I do) I recall being pretty independent all through high school and college. I even offered to pay rent when I turned 18 and was finishing my senior year of high school. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Although I have put a lot of thought into it. Wondering if that is the path I'm suppose to take. But.... I'm 23. So I think I still got some time. But I have been so incredibly blessed to see what amazing relationships and marriages look like, not only from my parents who have been married for over 30 years! But also from both of my siblings who have beautiful marriages with people who are such perfect additions to our family. And I would be flat out lying to say that I don't want that for myself. And I am so excited for the day (if it comes) that God places that man in my life. But until then I will patiently wait, and maybe I'll get a dog..

So there. I feel like I just kind of word vomited all over this post, but just like it is titled, I just needed to get it out. I'm not sure if any of it made sense or honestly if anyone really reads this, actually that's a lie because it tells me how many people have.. ha! (And thank you for reading!) Regardless, I'm sure that I am not the only person to have feelings like these, and if I am.. well that sucks. But just as my parents reminded me, some things take time. And everything happens in God's perfect timing. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens. Keep me in your prayers, friends.

(sorry, no pictures this time)

And until next time, write it out. It helps. 

When a week feels like a year

It has come to my attention that simple moments constantly change our lives. All of our decisions dictate what direction our lives will go: going to college or not, taking a job, getting a hair cut, going on a date, everything. And perhaps some of the decisions will get us to the same place: eating Taco Bell or Chipotle might both bring you to the bathroom.. But you get the point. Our lives can change in a moment.

Last Wednesday, in a single moment, my life changed. I was driving to work and out of no where felt as if I was going to pass out. This has happened a couple times to me, so I knew the feeling. The last thing I remember was putting on my turn signal to try to get to the side of the road. The next thing I know there is a man at my window asking if I'm ok, smoke, broken glass, and so much confusion and anxiety. My first thought was that I had hit this man's car. I can not even begin to express the emotions that I was feeling. It was completely overwhelming. I had no idea what had occurred that got me into this state. Everything that happened within in the next half an hour was such a blur. The paramedics came and put me on a backboard with a brace around my neck. During this time I could only think of three things: 1) no one could find my phone in my car and all I wanted was to call my parents. 2) Without my phone I had no way of contacting my work to tell them what happened and that I wasn't intentionally ditching (this caused me great amounts of stress). 3) Lifeguard training. Weird, but we practiced a lot of scenarios with backboards in case of spinal injuries. However I learned that when you are actually in a serious situation being strapped on a backboard and not being able to move or look anywhere but up is extremely discomforting. I was in pretty serious shock and had high levels of anxiety. On the way to the hospital the paramedics were able to get ahold of my dad and informed him of the accident. The only visible injuries were a few cuts on my shoulder. There was some pain in my left elbow and foot, but otherwise everything seemed fine. While I was strapped down I was told that I had rolled my car 3-4 times before coming to the final stopping point in a ditch. I couldn't believe it. I had and have no memory of the accident. But I was told that since I was unconscious I evaded a lot of injury since my body just rolled with the motions, literally. I also don't have the trauma that comes along with experiencing a car accident; but I have a different kind of "trauma" the one that comes along with not really understanding. Since I don't remember anything happening, it is very surreal that it even happened. It is hard for me to wrap my head around. While at the hospital I had a serious of xrays taken, a CT scan and some blood work done. Everything came back within reason. When I was finally able to talk to my dad we spent a few minutes overwhelmed by emotion. I was able to talk to my mom shortly after and am so grateful for the parents that I have. Not only were/are they a huge source of encouragement, support, and love but they were willing to drop everything to come and be with me (although I thought it was unnecessary). They were already planning out what the next steps of this process looked like and were ready to support me in any way they could. Point being: my parents are incredible and I am so blessed by them.

The rest of the day dragged on. I was anxious to get out of the hospital and go to work. I had my mind set on it. First I had to make a stop at the towing company and get all of my stuff out of my car and hope that I could find my phone. I took a "cab" from the hospital and this older man Mike was my driver. He was an interesting individual but very helpful. He helped me find my phone in my car which had somehow gotten under the floor boards. This was such a big win for me because it is amazing how much harder life becomes when you don't have a phone and all of the things that are saved in that small little device. It was also pretty hard seeing my Jeep. I couldn't understand how I was standing there, with a simple cut on my shoulder looking at it. Shortly after I had called my insurance company and got the ball rolling on my claims. They were very easy to talk to and the process went a lot faster than I thought. As this was happening all of the messages from the morning came pouring in on my phone. All of my family was alerted and in communication. Prayers were going on all while I was in the hospital. I felt so loved and cared for. 

I then proceed to take a cab all the way to work. It turned out to be an interesting drive with this guy Mike, who had way too many stories to tell that I certainly didn't care about. But I got to work and when I walked through the door, my boss was shocked that I was even there. We talked for awhile and came to the conclusion that I should at least take a day off. The plan was to stay with my supervisor, whose name also happens to be Rachel. Rachel and her boyfriend and I went out to eat and as we were driving there I began to feel myself go downhill. During dinner my head began to hurt and increased drastically over a short period of time and I was extremely nauseous, unable to eat anything. I briefly mentioned this to my parents and was directed to go back to the hospital. Rachel and Ron took me back and I was admitted promptly. They patiently waited as I underwent another CT scan and more blood work. This time in the hospital I had my phone and was in communication with my family. I had sent a picture of all the bracelets they put on my wrist, one of which labeling me as, "fall risk." My sister initially thought it said, "fail," and asked, "does that say 'fail'? As in fail at being a human, ended up in hospital?" And even in my unfavorable condition I couldn't help but laugh.  The doctor came back to tell me I had a concussion, gave me some medicine and prescriptions and sent me on my way. I was to be woken up every two hours to make sure I hadn't slipped into a coma. I did not get very much sleep that night. But on Thursday I slept almost the entire day and woke up feeling very rested and much more like myself. The soreness had begun to kick in, but it wasn't as bad as I had expected. And then I went to work Friday morning.

The rest of the week in the woods was a good distraction from my accident. I had my hands full and was grateful to be thinking of something else. I was first placed in a younger boys group. Any time you are placed in a different group it takes awhile to get settled. Every group operates a little differently and you have to build rapport with the kids. The younger boys were a handful, to say the least. I quickly began to miss the older boys. I was suppose to work with them again, but they were scheduled to do harder hikes that I didn't think my body was ready for yet. But I eventually figured it out with the younger boys, and made due. Then I was transferred to a middle aged girls group. And oh my, talk about transition. Boys and girls groups are night and day. I did my best to mesh and did pretty well, but it was hard. I was grateful when Wednesday rolled up.

Coming out of the field was kind of a reality check. The accident and aftermath that I had been able to periodically forget while in the field was now surrounding me. But I am so grateful for everyone who came around to help me. I was offered multiple rides back to Asheville, which I gladly accepted! It was weird not having my Jeep, it was hard and sad. But it was when I was putting my stuff into my co-staff's car that I realized it had already been a week since my accident. It is true that a moment can change your life, but time keeps ticking on and we still have to move on with it.

I felt overwhelmed with emotions during that one week more times that I ever anticipated or wanted. What started off with fear, anxiety, and confusion was taken over by love, encouragement, grace, mercy, healing, and peace. It wasn't in God's plan to call me Home on July 1st, so here I am today. I am ready to live each day that He gives me as a chance to bring glory to His name. He brought me on this journey and He never said it was going to be easy, but I know He will be with me, and I know He will take care of me on this exciting adventure we call life.

Until next time, tell the ones you love that you love them. You can never say it too much. 

(this post is starting to feel like a year - sorry folks!)