Got to get it out

I've been writing a lot today. Letters, poetry, journaling, and now here I am writing this post. Ever since high school I have found writing to be such a peaceful thing for me. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think that it has to do partly with the lack of rules. I can be totally free in my writing, not afraid of judgement; it's a way for me to truly express what I am feeling. So I just wanted to prep you, I'm diving into some thoughts in this post. It will probably sound a little different than my others.

When I came off shift last Wednesday I had a lot of mixed feelings going on. On one hand, I felt pretty dang good. Three of the boys I have been working with told me I was their favorite staff and the person who they felt had helped them the most. When I heard this, from the mouths of teenage boys, it was a very powerful moment. To hear that you have made an impact, made a difference in someone's life, is well... powerful. God was using me in these boys' lives. How freakin' cool! I also hadn't showered for 9 days and was surprisingly not as smelly as I expected. But after I showered and slept in my bed that night I woke up the next day feeling.. unsettled. I have felt disappointed in the community, or lack of that I have in NC. I have known since I was in high school that I am not a social butterfly and making friends does not always come naturally for me. I have found it is even harder to make friends as an adult. Even more so when you are an adult in a place where you know no one and are only around for 6 days at a time. The community I was hoping to find with the people I work with isn't exactly what I am looking for. Don't get me wrong, the people are great and when I needed help after my car accident I felt so supported and cared for by all of them. But it just isn't a natural click for me, and I understand who I am now to know that I don't want to just adapt and try to fit into something I am not. So I looked to my other job and soon realized that the majority of my co-workers are the same age as the boys that I work with in the woods. There is nothing wrong with high schoolers and if anything they provide some good laughs, but I'm not trying to hang out with a bunch of 16 year olds. To be honest, I'm not even sure if that's legal? But I digress. And I know that church is a great place to get connected but it is also difficult when every other Sunday I am praising Jesus from the woods with birds, praying one of my students doesn't think it's a good day to take a run. And where else are you suppose to make friends as an adult? The hip bar on a Friday night? No thanks. A book club? Doubtful. Sitting on the sidewalk with a hand painted sign proclaiming, 'need friendship, will buy first coffee!' I think you get the point, but in case you don't: Point is, I had (have) a need and I didn't (don't) feel like it is being met. I was feeling down. I mean, I can't even have a dog or a cat! So I called my parents and chatted with them for awhile. And as always, felt encouraged and loved by the time I hung up the phone. I was reminded that some things take time.  That I have come so far and done so well. That I have had so many 'wins' and have survived a major car accident and bounced back quickly. That I have been rockin' my job and I have second job, which I am also rockin'. Things are good. And, again, some things take time. I was reminded that God will answer my prayers and he will do it in his perfect timing. I take comfort in that.

Next topic. Quick transition, huh? I'm on a roll, don't try to stop me! This is a topic that I promise I will not talk about often, primarily because I don't really think about it too often, but every once in awhile it sneaks up on me and slaps me in the face. This happens to be one of those times. BOYS! Oh how lovely. For whatever reason the past few days I have been thinking a lot about the men who I have dated or had been talking to in the past. Whether it was triggered by a song or a car (since I tend to associate the cars people drive to the actual person.. thanks dad) or whatever it was that made me think of that person. I have thought about what I have liked about those individuals and also reminded myself about wasn't working, either with them or me or combined in the relationship. And I've also looked at where I am now. I'm 23 years old, living on my own, fully supporting myself off two jobs, and for the most part, pretty dang happy. You could say that I'm pretty independent. Actually if I recall correctly (which I do) I recall being pretty independent all through high school and college. I even offered to pay rent when I turned 18 and was finishing my senior year of high school. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Although I have put a lot of thought into it. Wondering if that is the path I'm suppose to take. But.... I'm 23. So I think I still got some time. But I have been so incredibly blessed to see what amazing relationships and marriages look like, not only from my parents who have been married for over 30 years! But also from both of my siblings who have beautiful marriages with people who are such perfect additions to our family. And I would be flat out lying to say that I don't want that for myself. And I am so excited for the day (if it comes) that God places that man in my life. But until then I will patiently wait, and maybe I'll get a dog..

So there. I feel like I just kind of word vomited all over this post, but just like it is titled, I just needed to get it out. I'm not sure if any of it made sense or honestly if anyone really reads this, actually that's a lie because it tells me how many people have.. ha! (And thank you for reading!) Regardless, I'm sure that I am not the only person to have feelings like these, and if I am.. well that sucks. But just as my parents reminded me, some things take time. And everything happens in God's perfect timing. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens. Keep me in your prayers, friends.

(sorry, no pictures this time)

And until next time, write it out. It helps.