Moist Eyes

It is Tuesday morning. And I would be flat out lying if I said I am not dreading the coming of tomorrow. And that makes me really sad. And I don't think that is a bad thing. What you can't see is that while I am trying to type this, tears are freely falling onto my really cozy blankets. For the past two weeks I have been trying to look at the positive, been saying that it will be fine, smiling and nodding when people tell me they're sorry I pulled the short straw. But I don't think that I've really let myself feel what I'm feeling, and that is sad.

I know that once I get there it will be fine. But today is really hard. And I think that is ok.

15 days is a long time. Being away from home on Christmas is different. Probable rain everyday for the next week sucks. Living 'normally' for two weeks and then not is uprooting. I could go on, but I don't really care to.

These next two weeks are going to be hard. Today is hard. I ask that you keep me and the kids in your prayers.

I don't really have anything else to say. So to close, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, remembering that Jesus is the reason for celebration. I will be back in the New Year, probably with interesting stories and memories that will be with me for the rest of my life.

Until next time, it's ok to be sad. 


"And all the earth will shout Your praise
Our hearts will cry, these bones will sing
Great are You, Lord"


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It is a little later on Tuesday, and I'd thought I'd do something a little different with this post and update it throughout the day. So here is part two.

After I wrote part 1, I got up and did my morning workout. During that time I played some worship music. Just as I was finishing my workout and doing some cool down yoga a new song came on. And as I was dripping sweat, bowing with my face on the ground this song overwhelmed me.

It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco 

I love the song It Is Well, but have never heard this version. It blew me away. "So let go my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name." I really encourage you to click on the song title and take the time to listen to this beautiful song. I am still sad, but I know that God has something planned for me these next two weeks and 'through it all my eyes are on You and through it all it is well.'

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Part 3:

I can officially say that today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. After Part 2 of this post, I went to the Y and got Oxygen certified, basically meaning I know a bunch of random ratios and numbers that will allow me to give you oxygen if you need it. More interesting I also got to meet my boss's puppy! He is a cute little white lab named Moose, and it brought a lot of joy to my heart. I then went to the store to get some things for the next couple weeks, mainly some poptarts and goldfish. It's the little things that keep me sane. Following this I found out that for this week I will be in the oldest girls group, a group I have never been in with two other staff I have never worked with. It will be an interesting start to my two weeks! Then as I was beginning to pack up my mobile life my sister, Joanna, texted me. She said, "i think god has a christmas present for you, if you will, on this year's very different christmas morning. I'm not sure what it might be, but you'll find it if you ask him and keep your eye out :)" At this point, I was quite literally balling my eyes out. The conversation lasted about half a hour and was filled with encouragement, scripture and worship. She said things that I needed to hear and I am so thankful for her and her words.

I have cried more today than probably the past 8 months combined, including when I was in my car accident, which now that I think about it didn't really involve too much crying. Anyway, I don't really know why to be honest. And I also think that I will look back and feel slightly embarrassed, but these are the things I am feeling. Today has also been filled with lots of worship for me. I am deeply trying to focus on Jesus not only for strength but also for joy.

In other news (kinda) here is what I have been gathering over the past few days to bring out into the woods for the kids to try to make Christmas and NYE a little more special. In the middle of it all is a card that I got from my grandpa saying, "Thou shall call the name of Jesus. For He shall save His people from their sins." This year is going to be very different, but the reason for Christmas, Jesus, is still the same and will continue to be regardless of where I am. I pray that these small gifts bring some joy and memories and more importantly, that I can be a light to the kids. The day is not over yet but I guess you could say I was right when I woke up this morning and knew it'd be a hard day. But even throughout the hard and the sad and the many many tears, I know that Jesus has a plan and it is good.


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Part 4:

Well this will be my last update for this post. The day is finally winding down and I think that I've cried all the tears I will cry today. I also think that I needed this. There's probably some cheesy quote about a good cry being good for you soul, so maybe a day full of 'good cries' will be extra good for my soul. This evening I got to talk to my parents one last time before I head out and it was pretty great. They, just like others today, gave me lots of words of encouragement and support. My mom told me a mini story ending with the prayer of, 'give me the grace.' A great reminder as I go into the next couple weeks. We ended our conversation with a prayer that may have gotten teary eyed on both ends. I am reminded by them that I am exactly where God wants me to be. So for now, I am going to listen to that song I mentioned earlier one more time and curl up in my blankets one last time for the next 15 days. Thanks for listening to me blubber today, and I guess I'll see you on the other side.

Until next time, trust you are where you are suppose to be and make the most out of it. 

** One last tid bit (just can't get rid of me huh)
I watched the last part of the Christmas Eve service at Willow Creek online. During which I was reminded somewhat of my younger days and how God really filled an empty space in my life that I tried to fill with meaningless things, and how clearly I see that in so many of the kids that I work with. I hope that God can use me these next few weeks to somehow convey that to them and show his love through my life. I also was Face-timed in by my dad and got to see my dad, mom, David, and Kendra, as Willow sang Silent Night, a tradition I have realized that I took for granted. It was awkward (via face time) and wonderful and hard. And once again, the tears came. I'm thankful for the virtual hugs but I am so sick of crying. So family, I love you dearly and am so grateful for each of you. But for now, for my sake and the sake of my eyeballs, I'm going to go to bed to put this day and post behind me. Insert awkward ending and no emotional or mental energy to figure out what else I can conclude with.

Asheville to Chicago... Wait, this sounds familiar?

Believe it or not last Thursday I got up at 4:40a to catch a flight back home. It felt like I was commuting back and forth from Chicago! I also happened to be too tired to pack a suitcase, but luckily I was too lazy to unpack from my last trip, so I just zipped it up and threw it in the car! Going home this time around was much welcomed as I had a really hard week in the woods. I knew it was going to be emptier, without my siblings, but I was going to be at home and with my parents - and that was all I wanted. I'm thankful that the shift is behind me and even with it just a week in the past it already seems distant. Yesterday was the first Wednesday in 7 and a half months that I did not get up and drive to work! As I was laying in my beautiful bed at home, snuggled up with blankets and pillows, I was definitely not upset about not going to work. Knowing that I still have six more days before I head out into the woods is both really nice and kind of daunting. But for now, I'm just going to try to focus on the present.. or the past.


Following is the account of the few days I spent at home. Warning: it is a full few days!

So I got home on Thursday and then Friday morning Mom, Dad and I headed back to O'hare to hop on a plane to Boston to see my dad's brother and family. I hadn't seen them in about a year and a half and it was a long over due visit! We shared stories over meals that were eaten with forks, I played Pretty Pretty Princess with my three younger cousins and also explained how VHSs work, we shot guns at the gun club, and went to a talent show that I 'talentfully' commentated on. It was really enjoyable being around younger kids who I didn't have to monitor constantly and who weren't cussing me out. Overall it was a great visit and I'm thankful for that time to spend with them. We flew back to Chicago Sunday evening and it is fair to say that I was pretty pooped. It had been since the previous Wednesday (week and a half) that I hadn't been around people or traveling, that's a considerable amount of time for an introvert. I welcomed the silence and solitude with open arms and spent the majority of Monday alone.

But with only a few remaining days at home I still had to make the most of the time, so Monday night I headed up to Wisconsin to meet up with Marissa and go climbing. It was so good to see her without months and months in between the last visit and it was great to climb again, a routine we did every Thursday when I lived in WI last year. After climbing we went to our favorite bowling ally for a couple rounds of darts and a beer. Once again I'm thankful for her and her friendship.

Tuesday also happened to be packed with activities. Because in case you didn't know Tuesday the 15th was Christmas! At least for me it was. So like usual I hadn't bought all of my Christmas presents, so Tuesday morning I went out shopping for a couple of gifts. It didn't take too long and I had to retrain myself from buying anything from REI for myself! But I managed to get all of my presents wrapped and under the tree. The rest of the day was spent doing miscellaneous things and once again, enjoying solitude. When Dad came home we rushed off to the store and bought some things for dinner, came home, and prepared dinner. Then the three of us (Mom, Dad, and myself) ate said dinner. Wasn't that an interesting chain of events? We opened gifts. I was given: a mini machete, a led fireplace heater, gummy worms, a down blanket, a hyroflask, a car battery charger, and probably something else I'm forgetting. All in all, a good haul! Thank you Mom and Dad.

I could say the obvious: Christmas was a little different this year, but I don't think that really conveys how I feel about it. A few weeks ago one of the students in a group had a round (meaning, they propose a question and everyone goes around and gives their answer). Her question was something along the lines of: if you could go back in time to either change something or do something when would you go and why? Almost instantly when the question was asked I knew what my answer was and I don't even really know why it came to mind. But my answer was that I would want to go back to when I was younger on Christmas morning with my family before we opened presents. Not to change anything, but just to be in that moment. I can vividly see and feel these memories. Fire in the fire place behind the stockings, Christmas music in the background, coffee in Mom and Dad's hands and steam on Dad's glasses as he took a sip. The sun coming through the doors and on the tree with whatever color lights we fought over that yer. Joanna still looking a little groggy and wrapped up in a blanket, David with a cup of OJ or milk and brownies. And Casey laying in the middle of everything. So, yeah, this year was a little different. As have been many of the years since those memories. I am so grateful for my family and will truly miss not being with them this year. But I am grateful for the time I got to spend with my parents and build new memories.

Well, I'm going to hop off that sad train and continue with the blog. Wednesday, as I mentioned, I spent the morning very cheerful to not be heading into the woods and then that transferred into me being cheerful for meeting up for lunch with Laura and Amanda, two friends from Timber-lee. It was so fun to get caught up on their lives. Also fun, Laura who is recently engaged (yay!) asked me to be in her wedding next fall! I'm so happy for her and can't wait to be a part of her big day. The day ended with having dinner with Mom and Dad and relaxing.

In a few hours I'll be getting ready to head back to O'hare so a plane can take me back to Asheville. This time there is no set plan to come back, I actually really have no idea when the next time I'll be coming home will be. This thought makes me kind of sad, as I have genuinely enjoyed being at home with my parents and friends. But who knows what the future holds and what adventures await!

Until next time, may the force be with you. (in honor of StarWars)

Oh, I looked for awhile to find a picture that captures the memory of Christmas I was explaining, but I couldn't find one that some member of my family wouldn't glare at me if I put it up. So instead I will show you this one! A picture of my early hiking instructor days and my deep love for my sister.

Asheville to Chicago and back again

As I write this I am sitting in bed in Hoffman Estates occasionally glancing out my window overlooking the lake and a very gray, chilled sky, waiting to go to Taco Bell with Dad. These past few days went by very fast, a pattern I see more and more. But once again I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with my family and friends.

I got off shift Wednesday and went back to my apartment in Asheville to unpack all my gear and pack a carry on. It was a quick turn around as I set an alarm for the next morning at 5:25am. I rolled out of bed and shuffled into the car before the sun was up to catch a flight home. The Thanksgiving day started with me being thankful for indoor plumbing and warm running water, and carried into me being thankful for small airports and on time flights. With the sun peaking over the mountains my plane took off and broke through the clouds to reveal a stunning sunrise. The more north I headed the grayer the day became. As we flew back below the clouds, over the lake and past the Chicago skyline, the landscape was... bleek. I missed the mountains. BUT while I missed the mountains, I missed my family even more and was so excited to be reunited with them.



I was welcomed at the airport with open arms from both of my parents and my thankful heart and spirit continued to grow as we made the journey home. When arriving to the house that I had called home all but two years of my life, I was at peace. Even more so knowing that both my siblings and their spouses were inside too. I was greeted by Taz, my brother's cat. And shortly after sleeping inhabitants awoke and ventured downstairs to give me a hug. Thanksgiving day was a blur. I tried to maintain high energy but it dwindled throughout the day; my work week was catching up with me. Early afternoon my aunt, uncle, cousins, and grandpa arrived. We shared a delicious meal and  I ate meat for the first time in 10 months! Wow. And then I snuck away to escape people for a little while. Later that evening my dad, brother (David), brother in law (Todd), and I decided to play Monopoly. Because what other way to end a day of Thanksgiving than to ruin our family relationships? The game was played without any tears, but Dad opted out about a third of the way in, then after a drawn out fight against bankruptcy, I went belly up and Todd took the trophy. I went to bed shortly after, missing the ending of the Bear V Packers game, but they got some homeruns and won so good job. .... touchdowns whatever, professional sports are obviously very important to me. (all sarcasm).

I genuinely enjoyed spending a few short days with my family. We fit a lot into the few short days that we shared together: playing bocce ball, sharing lots of meals, playing games, and simply enjoying each others company. I will admit that it just didn't feel like long enough this trip. Joanna and Todd (sister/bro-in-law) headed back to Oregon on Saturday, David and Kendra (brother/sis-in-law) headed out Sunday, and in a couple hours I will be boarding a plane to head back to Asheville. However, I will just have one week out in the woods before I fly back to Chicago for another week at home! What a crazy turn around. Why might you ask? Because I will be working over Christmas. I actually will be working my first double shift and be in the woods from Dec. 23 - Jan. 6. Yikes! This will be the first time in 24 years that I will not be at home for Christmas. I'll be sure to write about the experience in a post, I'm sure it will be noteworthy.

I also was able to reconnect with a really good friend, Marissa! She had just finished up a semester long NOLS course and we were able to meet up and hang out and get caught up for a while. We shared stories of our adventures and started scheming of the adventures that await in our futures! I am so thankful for that friendship and excited to see what the future holds for us both.

But as I sit here about to collect my things and then head to the airport so a plane can bring me back to the mountains I know I am thankful for these past four days and the amazing family that I am a part of. I'm also thankful for this awesome bed and I will miss it dearly. But I think one thing that I am thankful for above most others is my ability to be thankful. Because I don't always get to choose what happens to me or where I go or what I do but I do get to choose my attitude and mentality about the situation. ((1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus))

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Well I had to take an intermission because I got a little caught up in writing the blog and lost track of time! I now currently am sitting in the airport, enjoying a quick meal curtsey of Mom and Dad. I also stopped in the book store and picked up a book, "The Opposite of Loneliness," by Marina Keegan. Some of my co-workers at Trails recommended it, so I'm going to give it a go.

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Funny, and now I am sitting back in my apartment in Asheville. I think this is the first blog post that started in Chicago and now will be ending in Asheville. The flight was bumpy and my apartment was a lot messier than I remember leaving it, but I'm back. Thanks for traveling along with me.

Until next time, I hope you choose an attitude of gratitude. 

It Has Been Awhile

Well hello there blog readers. I want to apologize for the lack of posts over the past month or so. I have a valid reason, my Mac went through some problems and needed to be replaced. I want to give a huge shout out to Kendra, my sister-in-law, who was such a huge help in the process of getting me a new Mac. I am so appreciative for all the help that she gave me!

I distinctively remember multiple instances where I wanted to write a post about my week in the woods or about my off shifts, but at this point I can't really remember what those things were. I can't believe that my last post was about going home! It seems like so long ago. And yet I also can't believe that in a little over a week I will be boarding a plane on Thanksgiving morning to be heading home! I am so excited to be going home again and this time all of my siblings and their spouses will be home too! It definitely gives me something to look forward to as I begin to prepare to head back into the woods for another week.

During the past month or so I have had some visitors come through Asheville! My grandparents made an appearance on their way south to Florida. We had a great time visiting and catching up! And this past weekend my aunt and uncle were in Asheville. We enjoyed a couple meals together and also went to the Biltmore Estate. It was a really cool experience and was very impressive. I am always thankful for any family that I get to see down here. Thank you guys for taking time to see me, it means more than my words can express. That was one of the biggest challenges as I moved down here: not having any family or friends even relatively close. But it also gave me an opportunity to really create my own life from nothing. And some six months later I feel as if I can finally say that I really have created a life for myself down here. Including starting to feel a part of a church, having friends to go out to eat or have over to hang out, a stable job that challenges me, a horse job that brings me a lot of joy, and a growing understanding of who I am and where life might take me next.

I guess that I don't have a lot to report at this point in time, and I'm not really one to just talk because I can, so I think that I'm going to conclude this post. I just wanted you all to know that I'm back and my posts should be more regular now!

Alright friends, until next time, bake some cookies! You just can't go wrong with freshly baked cookies! 

A Week Off

Simply writing the title of this blog brought me joy. This past off shift I took my first "week off." Which was really just a week off from my second job at the Y. Perhaps a month or so ago when I was on the phone with my parents my mom asked what I was doing for my birthday. I replied something along the lines of, "Oh probably just sitting on my porch." And then she asked if I would want to come home. And oh how my heart soared. Of course I wanted to come home! And then a plane ticket was bought and it was set. All I had to do was to get through a few more shifts. It was much harder than it sounds because the prospect of going home was something that I was craving so badly. Staying present at work was very challenging but it also gave me something to look forward to. So last Thursday, after an exceptionally challenging week I boarded a plane and with more excitement than I have known for a long time, headed home. And what a wonderful five days it was. 

My mom came and picked me up from the airport and we enjoyed lunch as we got caught up. It was so nice to see her and spend that time one on one together. Then a short visit to the dentist followed by getting deep dish Chicago style pizza with my parents. Catching up with them was a wonderful time. I have found that the older I have gotten the more I can truly appreciate the two individuals who I am so blessed to call my parents. I am so grateful for all they have done and continue to do for me. On Friday I turned 24. **PAUSE** Twenty-four. Two decades and four years. Yikes. Some of you who may be reading this are not impressed. But it felt like a big deal to me. And yet, at the same time.. It was the last thing on my mind. Why might you ask? Because I was headed to Wisconsin. I was making my way to Timber-lee and I could not contain my excitement. Dad was kind enough to let me borrow his Jeep, which brought back fond memories of Rambo. 

And as the sun was shining I drove up a route I had taken so many times before and ended at a place that feels so much like home. Naturally I started at the barn first, and hung out with Amanda and Laura, who I had worked with at the barn previous summers. We hung out with kittens, saw my favorite, now one eyed horse Mack, and caught up on life. Meg soon joined the party, then Luke, and as a group we went and hung out with Andy in the office. Shortly after Jason came around and since this is camp we naturally got onto the topic of blow dart guns, which conveniently he happened to have! So we went out and had some fun with blow dart guns. I don't remember the last time I had smiled for so long and was genuinely happy. Soon after all that ended and some people went their own ways I got to see Codi, Jack, Craig, and Timmy. And I had almost forgot how much laughter comes along with these guys. I remember writing in another post that I never thought I would be in the same room as all of them and here I was, months after, with all of them.  We went and ate food together, I luckily was spared being sung to by the restaurant people. It was so nice to hear about their lives and where they were going after their time was up at camp. It was so nice to simply be around people who I had spent 10 months of my life with and had grown so connected to. But still, if I'm being honest, it was also really hard.

It was hard because I knew that as the night grew old I would be leaving, yet again. It was hard because as much as it felt 'normal' I had left those few months ago and they continued to do life together. It was hard because I so badly want to be a part of a community like I had at Timber-lee again. It was hard - but it was good. 

And as the time came for me to leave and hugs were exchanged, I got in my jeep and couldn't help but be reminded of the day that I left Timber-lee back in May. And as I drove away, the stars and moon shone bright and a few tears slide down my face. But I was and am so thankful for the time I had to share with those people who I care so deeply about. And am so grateful for everyone who went out of their way to see me; It means more than my words could express. 

The next day I went to Taco Bell with my dad. A tradition we have done since I can remember. And even as a vegetarian I have found ways to make it work. And as we ate we talked life and I am so grateful for our Taco Bell dates. Then we went and picked up Mom and headed to Costco! What a joy. And then church and Chipotle. Shortly after I went out to see a few friends from high school and had a great time catching up with them. 

Sunday some of my family came over for dinner and it was so great to hear the successes that my cousins were experiencing! I was also reminded that my aunt and uncle will be coming down in November and am looking forward to having them around for a few days! 

Monday I packed up some cold weather clothes, fruit snacks, and new books and headed to the airport. I didn't want to leave. And I thought back to Thursday and all the excitement, literally giddy, and contrasted it with how I felt. It was night and day. Not that I don't like my job or my life in North Carolina, but I think it is the people. I feel so loved at home, so loved at camp, unlike anything I have experienced. And I knew that I would miss that. But back to Asheville I went. And I was glad to see the mountains. And immediately had to shed layers, which I was less excited about (I've always been a cold weather person). I found that I fell back into the swing of my life easily. And am so thankful for the memories of the five days I spent at home. 

So now Rocky is all packed and ready to roll out bright (actually it's quite dark when I leave) and early tomorrow. Even earlier than normal for some med training so I can officially accept my new position as Lead Instructor. And I will head back into the woods for another week. And I am also grateful for that. For whatever experiences await me. For the lives of young adults that I get to be a part of impacting. For the beauty of God's creation that will surround me. For all the opportunities that help me grow as a person. 

So that's that. That was my "week off." Thank you for everyone who was a part of it, including all of the phone calls I got expressing love towards me. As I head out tomorrow please keep me and the kids in your prayers. 

I know that I usually say something starting with "until next time...." but I'm kind of drawing a blank on this one. Ahhh - here we go, I'll leave you with a quote that one of the teenage boys repeated many times during his stay. Simple and yet, helpful. Until next time, remember, "Fire hot, water wet."  

Open Doors, Hats and Stars

*Big Exhale*

It has been a little bit of time since I have last written. I apologize for those of you who have been checking regularly and have yet to see a new post. So let's get catch up shall we?

In my last post I talked about some missions work. Well there have been a few developments on that front that I would love to share with you! There is a missions organization called TEAM, and I would encourage you to click on the link to learn more about them. I requested some more information from them about potential opportunities and was contacted shortly after. That began the exciting process of figuring out what my options looked like. As I had mentioned before I have never done missions work outside of the country and while working with my 'coach' we began looking at opportunities. I filled out an application and was encouraged by the feedback I received. My coach was impressed with my experience and communication skills. She began praying for direction as to where to send my application and landed on Rancho el Camino. My application was accepted once again with excitement and passed along to the directors who quickly reached out and asked to set up a Skype interview. About two weeks ago I had my Skype interview with one of the directors of Rancho El Camino. He was a really nice man and it was such a great interview. We talked over my experience in camping ministries, my experience in the equine field, my degree in English Education, and my experience with Wilderness Therapy. It became very clear that everything that I have been working towards was in some way applicable to this particular missions field, go figure! All in all everything went really well and I was offered a position for the summer as Lead Intern. The position, while still being developed, entails leading the other, younger, interns who will be joining the Ranch for the summer program. Working with them in their spiritual development as well as caring for their mental, physically, and emotional well being. He also informed me that since their recent equine overseer left and no one else has been able to fill the gap, they wanted me take that on if interested. Obviously I am interested! On top of that I would be working with program development and continuing to build a job description. It sounds like a big job, and I couldn't be more excited. When it boils down it leaves the things that I feel most drawn to: leading and guiding young people to learn more about God and themselves, working with horses, working outside, and being challenged to grow and develop myself. On top of all of that it also gives something that I desperately crave: being a part of a Christian community. I am grateful for this open door. With all that being said, I am still processing and praying about the decision. Next summer is a long way away and there is still a lot to do before then. The position as Lead Intern is just for the summer, however, I had mentioned that I might be interested in something longer than the summer. I was told that it is definitely a possibility and we are setting up a separate Skype interview with the other director, his wife, to discuss that further. For now I believe, as does he, that starting with the summer is a good way to go; we can see if it is a good fit on both ends and continue from there. But how exciting! I am looking forward to seeing what adventure God takes me on and I have no doubt it will be exciting and challenging!

This past week in wilderness therapy I did my pre-lead. Meaning that I was doing a trial run for being promoted to Lead staff. Lead staff basically means a lot more responsibility. I still am not sure if I will ever find a way to properly describe what I do for my job. And I highly doubt anyone who doesn't work in this field will ever be able to fully understand my work. There literally in no way to explain the amount of work that we do. In camping ministry lingo I believe the correct phrase would be that 'I wear a lot of hats.' In some ways this is an understatement. My hats vary from Defender of Rattlesnakes, Bedtime Story Teller, Don't Eat the Plant Proclaimer, Overseer of Boulder Climbing, Applier of Bandaids, Gauze, Med Tape, Splinter Remover, Queen and Distributer of the Bunk(cheese), Listener of Angry and Desperate Sobs, Pusher of Patterns, Calming Voice Upon Angry Ears, Teller of Bad Jokes and Good Riddles, Whisperer of Poems, Holder of Boundaries, Setter of High Standards, Motivator through Hard Hikes, Physical Presence between Battling Boys, Voice Raiser, Patience Giver, Grace Pouring, Night Checker, Meditation Guider, Fireside Conversationalist, Staff Supporter, Wisdom Imparter, Teacher of Hard Lessons, Finder of Small Joys, Schedule Maker, Scheduler Holder, Schedule Changer, Superstar of Flexibility and Adapting, Bedtime Enforcer, Alarm Clock, Snooze Button, Bear Hang Tree Finder, Checker of Campsites, bathrooms, cabins, Lookout for Bears, Bathroom Supervisor, Hygiene Monitor, Foot and Hand Checker, and Constant Learner. And in reality that is only naming a few. The list is exhaustive. I have learned so much since I started working this job only a few months ago. In some ways these months have flown by and in other ways I can't believe it has only been four months. I say all of this not so that I can gain anything but so that it might help some understand what it is that I do. And perhaps also so when I say that I am tired, it holds a little bit more meaning. Over those 8 days I am paid for 128 hours of work, meaning 16hr work days. It is rare that it is a 16hr work day, typically after finishing all of the paper work each night and doing night checks at 12a, 3a, and 6a it is at minimum a few hours over that. But that is the job. And in many ways I am grateful that I can call it a job. I have learned so much about myself, the world that surrounds me, and how I interact with the world in these last 4 months. So yes, I am tired but I am also energized. All of those hats that I wear and the ones I didn't even mention matter. I am reminded when I look at the kids that all of this matters! This week when I finally had everyone in bed, finished all my paperwork and found the time to take a minute and pee and then was walking back to get into my sleeping bag I stopped and looked up to the night sky. I looked up through a towering forest of pines that when the wind pushed them just right would creak like an old wooden door. And through their reaching branches the ink black night allowed the stars to shine - glow - sparkle brilliantly. Later I wrote, "The stars overhead quietly appeared, gaining attention they did not crave or seek but that which they deserved." I have felt so small so many times in the last 4 months. And I am so grateful to be reminded of that. One of the boys who was in my group graduated this past week and in his journal I wrote him a small little parting note and ended it by saying something along the lines of, "You are capable of doing great things, and don't forget that greatness can happen in small moments and small ways." Perhaps it is through the small acts, the small gestures, the small choices that really lead to greatness. I love feeling small in this big world and I love the small moments when I can look up at the stars and feel immeasurable peace and contentment.

*Big Exhale* Whew! Looking back I think I really should've split all that up into more paragraphs but I'm just going to leave it for now. Hopefully you didn't get lost in there!

Two more quick notes before I leave you until next time: 1. After talking with one of my neighbors I gained permission to hang out with her dog whenever! She is finishing med school and is gone for long periods of time. So the dog and I can keep each other company. 2. Blue Jays have been frequenting the tree in my front yard so I bought some bird seed and am excited to see who comes by for a snack. (Yes, I know Blue Jays are territorial and aggressive. They also happen to be beautiful and they are here anyway so I might as well enjoy looking at them.)

That's all for now! Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Until next time, don't pass up the small moments - there is always greatness or the potential for greatness in them.

The Little Things and the Prospect of the Future

Apologizes for the lack of blogging. Lots of things have happened since I have last written, many the same and some worthy of sharing. Let's start with something fun, shall we?

I'd like to introduce the newest member of my (possession) family! And don't get too excited it is not alive. Here is Mo! After much debate, research, and a little spontaneity I purchased this ukulele. Within a couple days I had a few songs down and was really excited to bring it into the woods. This also turned out to be a huge success! I was able to connect with a few of the other girls who played instruments and they all enjoyed listening to it before they went to bed. On top of that, my co- staff also really enjoy it and got to mess around a little bit. I am very happy with my purchase and even think that playing the ukulele could help with my guitar skills. Not that I'm going to bring a guitar into the woods!

Speaking of the woods, this week it rained, a lot. One might call this a less than enjoyable experience. But having a rain jacket and rain pants is a game changer. You literally can not survive without them. The temperatures in the mountains dropped a lot lower than I thought they would for being mid August. We were down in the low sixties and high fifties most nights. And I was so thankful to have a bivy sack and down sleeping bag to climb into with my dry clothes! There are few better feelings than being warm and dry at the end of a long day while listening to the rain fall on the tarp, especially when you aren't on night checks and don't have to get up every three hours to make sure all the kids are there!

I also learned that being in the woods while it is raining made me look harder for the things that I was thankful for. Hmmm. Maybe I should rewind a little, I'm not sure I've touched on this subject for awhile. Some time back a friend named Joh, from the internship I completed gave me a book. It is called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The book is about eurcharisteo - thanksgiving. It is about joy, perspective, and above all, thankfulness. One of the things the author talked about was how she wanted to write a list of 1000 things she is grateful for, in the moments she sees or feels gratitude. So as I began to read the book, I also began to make my list. And I was shocked that when I started to look for what I was thankful for I saw way more than I expected. "Do not disdain the small. The whole of the life - even the hard - is made up of the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the whole. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. Is it this: to give thanks in the one small things. The moments will add up" (57). There is so much to be thankful for. There is SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR! And when I started noticing all that I was thankful for, I began to look for what I was thankful for, I began to search it out. When I was dripping sweat wearing long sleeves and pants, hiking up hill for the past half an hour, listening to the kids grumble and being on the verge of grumbling myself, I can think of what I am actually doing. I have a physically healthy body that can perform this activity. I have no concern for when I will eat next. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, there is beauty all around me and I am thankful. And when you focus on the positive, you leave no room for the negative. "Joy is the realest reality, the fullest life, and joy is always given, never grasped. God gives gifts and I give thanks and I unwrap the gift given: joy" (57).  I can't express what a change this concept has made in my life. And I feel like this is so obvious and so simple, but it has never clicked until now. I desperately sought joy when for a long time. I can remember in high school going around to trusted teachers and asking if they were happy and how. Since jr high, I've seemed to have a struggle with joy, never fully grasping it. But this. This concept. Joy was always there, joy is always there, I just wasn't looking in the right place. And the right place is everywhere. Thankfulness gives way to joy.

Back to the raining woods, I had to look harder for thanksgiving because when it's been raining for the entire day and you still have to go on a water run and build a fire to get dinner ready and you have to sit on the wet and muddy ground and it is the seventh day you've eaten peanut butter and torts for lunch and... the list goes on, it is hard to see what you can possibly be thankful for. But it is there! The fog that hugged the mountains when the rain cleared. The field of wildflowers growing below our campsite. The fresh blue and black berry bushes. The little bird who hung around our campsite. Getting up a little early to go check out a potential day hike to the top of bald that was wildly overgrown by beautiful wildflowers, dozens of butterflies, and even hummingbirds! Watching a sunset over the mountain range with nine girls who have their whole lives ahead of them. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am joyful.

So lets move on to the 'prospect of the future' part of this blog. I've been setting aside some time to think about my future, not to get ahead of myself but to begin to explore some options. I've noticed that time is flying by and I have a feeling June (although seemingly far away) will be here before I know it. And I don't want to be asking myself, 'now what?' when it does get here. Instead I'm asking myself, 'then what?' And I'm excited by the possibilities! You might know that I have a degree in English Education, and as of late I've been thinking of putting it to use. Not in the 'traditional' form I suppose but I've been thinking of teaching abroad. And then I felt a feeling of looking into missions work. In the past year I've had 'feelings' about what I am suppose to do next in my life: the LCM program and moving to NC for this job in Wilderness Therapy. If I'm being honest, I'd say they are more than feelings, rather callings. And God has been more than faithful to me when I listen to His callings. So I began to look into it. After finding and talking to a representative from a missions organization I really became more interested. Now I have never been out of the country, besides Canada, but I had also never been to NC and God is faithful; granted out of the country is quite different, but God is faithful always! And the idea of going overseas both excites me and makes me nervous. I don't want to commit to anything that could possibly be a bad fit on either side, so I am looking into doing a short term trip (7-10 days) within the next couple seasons and getting that experience and seeing if it's something that I am feeling called to do long term, potentially next June into the foreseeable future. This is not a short or easy process and still very much in the beginning steps. I feel really good about it and know that whether it is missions work or something that I have not found yet, I will be where I am suppose to be and doing work to bring glory to God. As I continue with this process I would appreciate prayers on my behalf for wisdom and guidance.

As for right now I'm content where I am. I am finding joy in the present and excitement for what the future holds. I also think I'm going to get a hair cut, but I haven't quite decided yet. So I think that wraps up this post.

Until next time, be grateful for the little beauties that surround you. There is so much to be thankful for. 

Oh yeah, and I bought a new buff (the weird thing on my head). That's not exactly how you wear it but, "if you're going to be weird, be confident about it!"

Tuesday Nights

Tomorrow I will be going in for work on my fifth shift and I have come to realize that Tuesday nights are weird. It is a weird feeling going to bed knowing that I won't return to my bed for 8 more nights. 8 nights really isn't that long, but when you are in the field.. it is definitely a long time. I feel like I have to get everything in on Tuesday that I won't be able to have for 8 more days but I also know that I need to sleep so I can be rested, yet sleep doesn't really come easy on Tuesday nights.

I got a lot in these past few days. And you know how people say there's no bad time to start working out? Well I slightly disagree. Since I work at the Y I now have access to a gym, which I am so thankful for! I figured no time like the present to get back into lifting weights, so Sunday I benched and did shoulders and back and Monday legs and then ran. I think I may have been too gun-ho, because I am really freakin' sore. And normally it would be a good sore, but I have to keep up with teenage boys and I can barely get off the couch! I guess it's a good thing there aren't any couches in the woods. 

I also remembered today that I told some of the boys I would bring them some books. Get this, the boys in my group have discovered a love for reading and writing. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! Seriously, I may not have all the crazy adventure, rock climbing, white water rafting, sky diving, stories that earn the other staff points, but I get to connect with teenage boys over reading and writing. Let me say that again... teenage boys - reading and writing. Yeah, it's like I'm using my college degree, who would've thought?! So I decided that I would check out the used book store. Unfortunately my 3-4 BOXES of books are being safely stored in my parent's basement. Pity. But I found a couple that might work and used book stores are pretty cheap. Here's the trick, I get to give the boys a challenge to earn the books! So I'll be scheming of challenges on my drive tomorrow morning.

Most of the staff have some musical instrument that they will bring into the field with them: flutes, weird other country instruments, even a guitar. The students love it because one thing they miss the most is music. It can be a great tool. So I also had started thinking of what I could learn and bring that wouldn't add too much weight. I landed on the Ukulele. Small and pretty cool, too. So naturally I started trying to figure out how I could get one in my possession. Unfortunately I didn't start thinking about this until this afternoon. I passed a pawn shop on my run the other day and figured that might be a good place to start. Instead of being an intelligent human being and I don't know, calling the shop to ask if they had one, I decided to take a walk. I quickly learned that I had run a lot further than I remembered and that jeans was a bad wardrobe choice on a very warm day in NC. On the way to my destination I passed an actual music store, so I stopped in even just to get inside somewhere. The nice sales man showed me all the choices I had and was really helpful! I learned that Ukuleles start right around $40. Whaaaaat?! But it's so tiny!? I was not about to spend that money because I am my father's daughter after all and chances were I could find a used one elsewhere. So I told the man I was still looking around and reluctantly headed back out into the sun. I was glistening with sweat when I had arrived at the pawn shop only to learn they did not have one. I'm sure you can image my disappointment. I lingered in the store that had glorious air conditioning before braving the trek back. I was very much dripping when I got back to my apartment and definitely grumbling. But I directed my frustration to the interwebs! Surly there had to be something on Craigslist. Nope! Not for under $40. Well... EBAY! Closer, except I was definitely skeptical of the ones that were more reasonable priced. What's the point of paying less if it is just going to break when you open the box? Amazon? No luck. Other pawn shops in Asheville? This time I got smart and used my phone first. Both had some! Neither under $45. So the moral of the story is that I don't have a Ukulele, walking sucks, and if you want to donate to my Ukulele fund I am now accepting all forms of payment. (that's only half a joke)

In other news my neighbor has taken to sitting on my porch. I am less than enthused about this but still figuring out what to do about it because I like having internet and he might get offended and take back my sweet deal if I tell him to scram. Also he waters my plans when I'm gone. I might just have to share. 

Speaking of plants! Check it out! As you can see my tomato plant is growing up so fast! And oh my melons! Look at that beautiful vining plant. My butterfly flower decided to bloom again, which I'm very happy about as well. Neither of the plants have produced tomatoes or cantaloupe, but maybe when I get back. 

Anyway, it is about time for me to turn in. I already have my packs packed and ready to go, my apartment cleaned and ready for my return, and my plants watered. So tomorrow I will go on my fifth shift, as ready as I can be for whatever awaits. When you think of me pray for me and the boys I'm working with. 

Until next time, enjoy your beds and couches. They are a luxury. 

 Oh yeah,  I took this picture when I was wandering today. One of the benefits of walking I guess.

It's kinda cool. I like it :)

Got to get it out

I've been writing a lot today. Letters, poetry, journaling, and now here I am writing this post. Ever since high school I have found writing to be such a peaceful thing for me. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think that it has to do partly with the lack of rules. I can be totally free in my writing, not afraid of judgement; it's a way for me to truly express what I am feeling. So I just wanted to prep you, I'm diving into some thoughts in this post. It will probably sound a little different than my others.

When I came off shift last Wednesday I had a lot of mixed feelings going on. On one hand, I felt pretty dang good. Three of the boys I have been working with told me I was their favorite staff and the person who they felt had helped them the most. When I heard this, from the mouths of teenage boys, it was a very powerful moment. To hear that you have made an impact, made a difference in someone's life, is well... powerful. God was using me in these boys' lives. How freakin' cool! I also hadn't showered for 9 days and was surprisingly not as smelly as I expected. But after I showered and slept in my bed that night I woke up the next day feeling.. unsettled. I have felt disappointed in the community, or lack of that I have in NC. I have known since I was in high school that I am not a social butterfly and making friends does not always come naturally for me. I have found it is even harder to make friends as an adult. Even more so when you are an adult in a place where you know no one and are only around for 6 days at a time. The community I was hoping to find with the people I work with isn't exactly what I am looking for. Don't get me wrong, the people are great and when I needed help after my car accident I felt so supported and cared for by all of them. But it just isn't a natural click for me, and I understand who I am now to know that I don't want to just adapt and try to fit into something I am not. So I looked to my other job and soon realized that the majority of my co-workers are the same age as the boys that I work with in the woods. There is nothing wrong with high schoolers and if anything they provide some good laughs, but I'm not trying to hang out with a bunch of 16 year olds. To be honest, I'm not even sure if that's legal? But I digress. And I know that church is a great place to get connected but it is also difficult when every other Sunday I am praising Jesus from the woods with birds, praying one of my students doesn't think it's a good day to take a run. And where else are you suppose to make friends as an adult? The hip bar on a Friday night? No thanks. A book club? Doubtful. Sitting on the sidewalk with a hand painted sign proclaiming, 'need friendship, will buy first coffee!' I think you get the point, but in case you don't: Point is, I had (have) a need and I didn't (don't) feel like it is being met. I was feeling down. I mean, I can't even have a dog or a cat! So I called my parents and chatted with them for awhile. And as always, felt encouraged and loved by the time I hung up the phone. I was reminded that some things take time.  That I have come so far and done so well. That I have had so many 'wins' and have survived a major car accident and bounced back quickly. That I have been rockin' my job and I have second job, which I am also rockin'. Things are good. And, again, some things take time. I was reminded that God will answer my prayers and he will do it in his perfect timing. I take comfort in that.

Next topic. Quick transition, huh? I'm on a roll, don't try to stop me! This is a topic that I promise I will not talk about often, primarily because I don't really think about it too often, but every once in awhile it sneaks up on me and slaps me in the face. This happens to be one of those times. BOYS! Oh how lovely. For whatever reason the past few days I have been thinking a lot about the men who I have dated or had been talking to in the past. Whether it was triggered by a song or a car (since I tend to associate the cars people drive to the actual person.. thanks dad) or whatever it was that made me think of that person. I have thought about what I have liked about those individuals and also reminded myself about wasn't working, either with them or me or combined in the relationship. And I've also looked at where I am now. I'm 23 years old, living on my own, fully supporting myself off two jobs, and for the most part, pretty dang happy. You could say that I'm pretty independent. Actually if I recall correctly (which I do) I recall being pretty independent all through high school and college. I even offered to pay rent when I turned 18 and was finishing my senior year of high school. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Although I have put a lot of thought into it. Wondering if that is the path I'm suppose to take. But.... I'm 23. So I think I still got some time. But I have been so incredibly blessed to see what amazing relationships and marriages look like, not only from my parents who have been married for over 30 years! But also from both of my siblings who have beautiful marriages with people who are such perfect additions to our family. And I would be flat out lying to say that I don't want that for myself. And I am so excited for the day (if it comes) that God places that man in my life. But until then I will patiently wait, and maybe I'll get a dog..

So there. I feel like I just kind of word vomited all over this post, but just like it is titled, I just needed to get it out. I'm not sure if any of it made sense or honestly if anyone really reads this, actually that's a lie because it tells me how many people have.. ha! (And thank you for reading!) Regardless, I'm sure that I am not the only person to have feelings like these, and if I am.. well that sucks. But just as my parents reminded me, some things take time. And everything happens in God's perfect timing. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens. Keep me in your prayers, friends.

(sorry, no pictures this time)

And until next time, write it out. It helps. 

When a week feels like a year

It has come to my attention that simple moments constantly change our lives. All of our decisions dictate what direction our lives will go: going to college or not, taking a job, getting a hair cut, going on a date, everything. And perhaps some of the decisions will get us to the same place: eating Taco Bell or Chipotle might both bring you to the bathroom.. But you get the point. Our lives can change in a moment.

Last Wednesday, in a single moment, my life changed. I was driving to work and out of no where felt as if I was going to pass out. This has happened a couple times to me, so I knew the feeling. The last thing I remember was putting on my turn signal to try to get to the side of the road. The next thing I know there is a man at my window asking if I'm ok, smoke, broken glass, and so much confusion and anxiety. My first thought was that I had hit this man's car. I can not even begin to express the emotions that I was feeling. It was completely overwhelming. I had no idea what had occurred that got me into this state. Everything that happened within in the next half an hour was such a blur. The paramedics came and put me on a backboard with a brace around my neck. During this time I could only think of three things: 1) no one could find my phone in my car and all I wanted was to call my parents. 2) Without my phone I had no way of contacting my work to tell them what happened and that I wasn't intentionally ditching (this caused me great amounts of stress). 3) Lifeguard training. Weird, but we practiced a lot of scenarios with backboards in case of spinal injuries. However I learned that when you are actually in a serious situation being strapped on a backboard and not being able to move or look anywhere but up is extremely discomforting. I was in pretty serious shock and had high levels of anxiety. On the way to the hospital the paramedics were able to get ahold of my dad and informed him of the accident. The only visible injuries were a few cuts on my shoulder. There was some pain in my left elbow and foot, but otherwise everything seemed fine. While I was strapped down I was told that I had rolled my car 3-4 times before coming to the final stopping point in a ditch. I couldn't believe it. I had and have no memory of the accident. But I was told that since I was unconscious I evaded a lot of injury since my body just rolled with the motions, literally. I also don't have the trauma that comes along with experiencing a car accident; but I have a different kind of "trauma" the one that comes along with not really understanding. Since I don't remember anything happening, it is very surreal that it even happened. It is hard for me to wrap my head around. While at the hospital I had a serious of xrays taken, a CT scan and some blood work done. Everything came back within reason. When I was finally able to talk to my dad we spent a few minutes overwhelmed by emotion. I was able to talk to my mom shortly after and am so grateful for the parents that I have. Not only were/are they a huge source of encouragement, support, and love but they were willing to drop everything to come and be with me (although I thought it was unnecessary). They were already planning out what the next steps of this process looked like and were ready to support me in any way they could. Point being: my parents are incredible and I am so blessed by them.

The rest of the day dragged on. I was anxious to get out of the hospital and go to work. I had my mind set on it. First I had to make a stop at the towing company and get all of my stuff out of my car and hope that I could find my phone. I took a "cab" from the hospital and this older man Mike was my driver. He was an interesting individual but very helpful. He helped me find my phone in my car which had somehow gotten under the floor boards. This was such a big win for me because it is amazing how much harder life becomes when you don't have a phone and all of the things that are saved in that small little device. It was also pretty hard seeing my Jeep. I couldn't understand how I was standing there, with a simple cut on my shoulder looking at it. Shortly after I had called my insurance company and got the ball rolling on my claims. They were very easy to talk to and the process went a lot faster than I thought. As this was happening all of the messages from the morning came pouring in on my phone. All of my family was alerted and in communication. Prayers were going on all while I was in the hospital. I felt so loved and cared for. 

I then proceed to take a cab all the way to work. It turned out to be an interesting drive with this guy Mike, who had way too many stories to tell that I certainly didn't care about. But I got to work and when I walked through the door, my boss was shocked that I was even there. We talked for awhile and came to the conclusion that I should at least take a day off. The plan was to stay with my supervisor, whose name also happens to be Rachel. Rachel and her boyfriend and I went out to eat and as we were driving there I began to feel myself go downhill. During dinner my head began to hurt and increased drastically over a short period of time and I was extremely nauseous, unable to eat anything. I briefly mentioned this to my parents and was directed to go back to the hospital. Rachel and Ron took me back and I was admitted promptly. They patiently waited as I underwent another CT scan and more blood work. This time in the hospital I had my phone and was in communication with my family. I had sent a picture of all the bracelets they put on my wrist, one of which labeling me as, "fall risk." My sister initially thought it said, "fail," and asked, "does that say 'fail'? As in fail at being a human, ended up in hospital?" And even in my unfavorable condition I couldn't help but laugh.  The doctor came back to tell me I had a concussion, gave me some medicine and prescriptions and sent me on my way. I was to be woken up every two hours to make sure I hadn't slipped into a coma. I did not get very much sleep that night. But on Thursday I slept almost the entire day and woke up feeling very rested and much more like myself. The soreness had begun to kick in, but it wasn't as bad as I had expected. And then I went to work Friday morning.

The rest of the week in the woods was a good distraction from my accident. I had my hands full and was grateful to be thinking of something else. I was first placed in a younger boys group. Any time you are placed in a different group it takes awhile to get settled. Every group operates a little differently and you have to build rapport with the kids. The younger boys were a handful, to say the least. I quickly began to miss the older boys. I was suppose to work with them again, but they were scheduled to do harder hikes that I didn't think my body was ready for yet. But I eventually figured it out with the younger boys, and made due. Then I was transferred to a middle aged girls group. And oh my, talk about transition. Boys and girls groups are night and day. I did my best to mesh and did pretty well, but it was hard. I was grateful when Wednesday rolled up.

Coming out of the field was kind of a reality check. The accident and aftermath that I had been able to periodically forget while in the field was now surrounding me. But I am so grateful for everyone who came around to help me. I was offered multiple rides back to Asheville, which I gladly accepted! It was weird not having my Jeep, it was hard and sad. But it was when I was putting my stuff into my co-staff's car that I realized it had already been a week since my accident. It is true that a moment can change your life, but time keeps ticking on and we still have to move on with it.

I felt overwhelmed with emotions during that one week more times that I ever anticipated or wanted. What started off with fear, anxiety, and confusion was taken over by love, encouragement, grace, mercy, healing, and peace. It wasn't in God's plan to call me Home on July 1st, so here I am today. I am ready to live each day that He gives me as a chance to bring glory to His name. He brought me on this journey and He never said it was going to be easy, but I know He will be with me, and I know He will take care of me on this exciting adventure we call life.

Until next time, tell the ones you love that you love them. You can never say it too much. 

(this post is starting to feel like a year - sorry folks!)

Gardening is harder than it looks

Why not start a new hobby?

Yesterday after lounging around for a while I remembered the small plot of over grown garden space behind my apartment and thought to myself, "hmmm, I bet I could plant some stuff in there." So I got up and went to check out my future garden. Not having any gardening experience besides the tomato plant my dad gave me at my last apartment I didn't really know what I was looking at. I found some random tools behind that house and figured that was enough to go on. So I hopped in Rambo and headed to Lowe's. Once there I had to pick what I wanted to grow. Since I had success with tomatoes I decided to get one of those and then I found a cantaloupe plant. Who doesn't love a good cantaloupe?! Then a couple flowers to add some color. One says it will attract butterflies so that obviously went into the cart and one cute little white flower. I grabbed a watering can, since there is no hose and the water spigot (well that's a weird word) did not produce any water. And I was off to the races. I also managed to snag a super fun little tree that also reminds me of my sister, Joanna. 

Once back in the garden I started ripping up all the weeds and overgrown vegetation. I soon realized that the dirt needed some help so I got to "plowing" (?) or basically hacking up dirt. Very quickly I worked up a sweat and came to the conclusion this was not going to be as easy as I had anticipated. I was pleased to find that there was (what I believe to be) good soil under the top layer. Once I started digging in the ground I found Mother Nature had previously planted a rock garden and it had flourished. I spent a good chuck of time finding and removing rock after rock, growing increasingly more frustrated every time my shovel hit another one. It was about that time that I noticed I was being eaten alive from mosquitoes, as if I don't get enough of that in the woods. I was covered in sweat and dirt and yet not shockingly, I loved it. I had reached a point where I believe the ground was as ready as it was going to be for the plants, so... I planted them. Not a whole lot else to say about that.

A few of my neighbors came by while this was happening and each were impressed with the progress I had made. I only finished a small portion of the garden but am hoping to have more of it done in time. Maybe then it can be used for its intended purpose. As for now, I feel very accomplished, very itchy from the stupid mosquitoes, and am very much looking forward to seeing how my plants do. I shall keep you all posted on how this new hobby goes. Any suggestions, tips, recommendations etc are welcome as always! 

Until next time, start or try something new and don't be afraid to play in the dirt! :)

my past off shift

Typically I try to write right after I get back from being on shift, but these past few days have been packed full! Better late than never, right?

My parents arrived in Asheville last Wednesday, probably somewhere around the time when I was going out with the other staff for some dinner and a drink or two. It was a great way to decompress and process the whole week with people who fully understand what your job is. Thursday morning I made my way over to the hotel that my parents were staying at and enjoyed a nice little breakfast while catching up with them about work, travel.. just life in general. It was so great to see them here, in Asheville! We eventually made our way back over to my little apartment and began unloading all of the things that they brought down for me (Thank you guys!). It is amazing that stuff can make somewhere feel more like home, but as I hung the pictures and placed things where I wanted them, I was so grateful to have all the memories that came with the stuff. Later we went out to dinner and shopping a little bit before calling it a night. The following day I again made my way over to the hotel (it's free breakfast, who can say no to that?) and then we went exploring a little. I tried to navigate back to the really cool places that my neighbor had shown me only a few weeks prior and managed to find one. We took a short, but very enjoyable hike along the Blue Ridge Parkway. I was so grateful for not wearing two packs and hiking with 10 teenage boys! It was a lot of fun and I'm sure that I'll be revisiting those trails soon. I'm glad that I could share that with my parents. We said goodbye that night and they left the next day to travel up to see David and Kendra in OH. What a great couple of days those were.

The day they left also happened to be the day that I had plans to go to the beach with a friend from work. So I got in my jeep and headed out. I drove through the mountains and entered into farm land territory. Upon arriving at his house I got out of my jeep and into his and we headed for the beach. We drove through more farmland and then we hit the coast. Once we got there we got to drive on the beach, which I had never done before, and yeah, it was awesome. Parked, threw down some chairs and took out the cooler. It was a great time with some new people. We walked along the beach and I learned how to look for and even found some really old shark's teeth! I had such a fun time. In one day I went from the mountains, to farmland, to white sand and waves. North Carolina, I love you.

Oh, I also forgot to mention, I am officially hired as a lifeguard at the YMCA. I had a little bit of training and will be starting next Thursday when I get back from my next shift. I think that it will be a good way to make a little more money and have something to fill my time. Somewhat unrelated, I am also looking into getting my open water diving cert, because well, why not! There actually is more reason behind it, primarily that my buddy knows where I can get megalodon teeth but I have to dive for them. So yeah, talk about motivation.

 As for now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my off shift with relaxation and try to do a whole lot of nothing.

Until next time friends, remember that you always have more than you think, be grateful and joyful!

Ready for Another week

Ready is such a strange word. When are we ever really ready for anything? But here I am sitting, hoping I am ready for another week in the woods. And I think I am. But who really knows. Just one way to find out.

These past six days have been fairly productive, very restful, somewhat exciting, but in general they were just days. And I am thankful for days. I have been trying to find part time work to fill my days while I'm back in Asheville and today I had some potential success! I had an interview at the YMCA, about five minutes from my apartment, for a position as a lifeguard. I had to take a drug test and once that and my references come back negative and positive (in that order) it looks like I'll officially be a lifeguard. I am very excited about this, and looking forward to having something to do with my time while I'm back and another community to be apart of. Speaking of community, I went to the young adults ministry that my church offers. It wasn't quite what I had expected but it was good to try.

Community is so complex and yet so simple. Making friends is a weird process and one that I never feel I'm very good at. Sometimes I feel as if I don't really need friends (don't judge just listen) and that is true... sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be alone for days at a time and I love it! But at the same time, I need people. I need interaction. Sometimes it is nice to have people to say 'no' to, sometimes it's nice to have people to do nothing with. I'm figuring it out, I'm sure people will be in my future.

So tomorrow I go back into the woods. This morning I tried to savor laying in bed a little bit longer knowing I wouldn't be able to do that for another 8 days. I made sure to eat a little extra icecream, who am I kidding, I always eat a little extra icecream. But you get the point. I'm reading a book that one of the girls (JoJo) from the internship I did at Timber-lee gave to me. It's called, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is a book about thankfulness, which is something that I am trying to be  more conscious of. Ironically, my job helps with this a lot. When I am in the woods I find that I am thankful for the smallest things: a colorful salamander, the sun shinning through the leaves just right, a cardinal, a short rain shower, when the short rain shower is over, the list goes on. Then I found I am thankful for things when I'm not in the woods: a bed, food I can eat with a fork, short sleeve shirts, facewash not in the form of a wipe, fresh fruit and veggies! There are so many things that I am thankful for. In this book one of my favorite parts so far is, "As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible." Giving thanks is the beginning, the ignition of joy. And man oh man do I have things to be thankful for. So I'm going to try it, to have thankfulness at the forefront of my mind throughout this next week, and I encourage you to do that same.

So here I sit, pretty sure I'm ready, but who really knows. When I come out of the woods next week my parents will be down here! I am very much looking forward to having them see where I am living and getting to spend some time with them for a few days.

But until then, may you not forget how blessed you are, may your dreams be big and your prayers be even bigger, and may you enjoy your indoor plumbing...

Making friends

I have felt very productive over the past couple days. Today I went to REI and exchanged a sleeping bag compression sack for a completely water proof one, because a wet sleeping bag sounds like the worst thing ever. And then I went and saw Jurassic World. Ok, maybe my day wasn't as productive as I thought it was. BUT the movie was awesome and totally worth it. 

The other day I failed to mention that I met my neighbor who lives above me. He is a little older than me and super friendly. Let's call him J. J is a very social, talkative guy; he's really nice and easy to get along with. Now I have been without internet since I moved to Asheville, so I've been traveling to $tarbucks or like yesterday, the public library. However it was my goal to get internet in my own place. The problem is that I am gone for more than half the month, so what's the point in paying so much money if I'm not even there?! I thought that perhaps I could get to know one of my neighbors and offer to pay some money in exchange for their wifi password. So this afternoon J was out working on his car. He told me that I could come hang out with him if I wanted to. So I told him that I had some things to do and might be out later. While I was munching on a poptart inside trying to scroll through facebook on my phone and getting increasingly more frustrated with things not loading, I made the decision to go and hang out with J. I was pleasantly surprised. We had good conversation and had some laughs. He told me about some cool places in Asheville and I got some insider information. The one of my other neighbors came out (with an awesome looking dog) and asked if I was from IL (she had seen my license plates). We very shortly found out that we are both from Hoffman Estates. WHAT?! How crazy. She seems like a really cool person and perhaps someone who I could hang out with. If not her, perhaps her dog. Then out of nowhere, J offered me his WiFi password. It was like a gift from God. I explained my situation and offered to pay him some money, to which he declined. Wow! I am so grateful. Then some time passed and soon J was finished working on his car and offered to take me on a short sight seeing trip. I wasn't super inclined but the man just gave me his WiFi password.. so I agreed. And the sights were beautiful! I was shown literally hundreds of trails that I can go exploring on and views that were nothing short of stunning. I am so excited to get back out there and check out some of those trails! 

Today has been a good day. I am excited for all the adventures that continue to unfold. Who knows, maybe I'll actually have some cool friends soon. Also, tomorrow I'm excited because I'm going to be going back to that church I tried, and hopefully getting more connected there! Here's to hoping. Regardless, be prepared for some sweet pictures when I start hitting up these trails! 

Boys, bears, and bow drilling

So I survived my first shift in the woods. And what an experience it was! We started off at what they call the second base camp, Sky Valley. I was with the oldest boys group, Bravo. The majority of these boys are there for substance abuse along with all of the things that come along with substance abuse. Sky Valley is sort of an in between camp, not quite as rugged as expo but still no running water. We slept in yurts or canvas structures with wooden floors. My first night we were visited by Jughead, the local bear. Not more than 50 ft away I could hear this bear ransacking the bear barrels that weren't fully closed. You better believe my heart was pounding. The next day we moved campsites after the bear continued to come back and was not being scared off. We stayed in Sky Valley for two nights before being transported back to Base Camp. Here we slept in cabins and had access to running water and indoor plumbing, what a treat! Our group grew to eight boys after we got three new students. During the week we worked with horses, went to "school," did yoga, fed snakes at science center, and worked on phase work and bow drilling. I am so excited that I completed my first bow drilling set! It was a long process but it was also nice to have a little project to be working on during my "free time." I was humbled when I finally completed my set and gave it a shot because bow drilling is HARD. I am looking forward to getting better at it and hopefully busting my first coal soon! When you bust your first coal you get to name your bow.. it's kinda a big deal.

This week was extremely hard, there were lots of highs and lows, but the experience overall was incredible. Working with those boys was challenging and you learn to love the smallest of accomplishments. My bosses and co-staff told me that I killed it and did better than expected. I still have so much to learn and improve on, but I think that I am in a good place and most importantly, ready for more! I will be working with Bravo again this coming week and we will be out on expo, so camping and actually roughing it. I was talking to one of my co-staff before coming off shift and I said, "I don't even know how I'm going to explain what I do to my family and friends. I feel like there is no way for me to explain this job." He could only agree. The job that I do is weird and more elaborate than I could ever explain. Every minute of every day is a trial, every moment of silence is cherished, every small break through feels like gold, every ounce of sleep is coveted, every situation is a learning experience. This list goes on and on. I could not do it with my own strength and am grateful for a God who provides me with all I need to be the best I can for this kids. One of the kids quoted a rap song during the week saying, "Everybody's somebody's something, I know you right, nobody's nothing, that's right."When you think of it in those terms, every one of those boys is so important to someone that they were sent there to "get better," but so much more importantly, each one of those boys is a child of the Most High. So regardless of what they have done, they are loved by the one who created them. I'm just trying to show them that love and that they matter more than they can ever imagine. 

As for being back in "real life" I have come to feel more comfortable in my apartment. I have been exploring around Asheville, I am currently in the public library were I just got my library card! Woop Woop. My apartment is pretty close to downtown Asheville so I am able to walk to most places, which if you know me is a huge life change. I am excited to learn more about this place I now reside. 

I'm still looking for some part time work to help cushion my bank account and keep me busy in my off days. I'm still looking for a place to get connected with other people my age. But I have found so much in the short time that I have been here and can't wait to see what the future holds. 

I miss my family and friends, the community that I had at Timber-lee. I miss my Wisconsin runs because Asheville is kicking my butt. I miss having internet and being around animals. But I love this adventure that I am on and figuring it out as I go. 

Until next time friends, may the sun be on your face and the breeze on your back.