Story Time

Can I tell you a story? Good, here goes:

Content:

Content was a medium size word, bigger than Joy and Happy but smaller than Dissatisfied and Depressed. Content is evasive though. Joy and Happy are more - sporadic. But they pop up regularly. Depression, well he is around a good chunk of time. And he is obnoxious because he always seems to show up at the most inconvenient times. Dissatisfied is fairly predictable, and that is what makes him somewhat annoying too. You see Dissatisfied comes strolling around the corner right when Content is getting settled. Now, there certainly are others, Motivated, Will - who is very strong and Frustrated, just to name a few.

*Enter Rachel*

All of these emotions meet inside of me, just as I'm sure they meet inside of you. I have spent many years battling Depression and Dissatisfied, searching desperately for Content. Along the way I have found Joy, many times. And Happy and I have run into each other often as well. But I have found that those interactions tend to be brief; Maybe it is days, weeks or months, but they always seem to be chased out of town by big bad Depressed and Dissatisfied.

So naturally I try to figure it out, why am I better friends with Depressed and Dissatisfied? Why is Content so hard to befriend and build a solid relationship with? And there is definitely a pattern.

I get 'tired' and 'done' with where I find myself in life. I can go back in the files to prove it:

Jr high I just wanted to be in high school. *Content showed for a little bit* High school I just wanted  to be in college. *Content showed for a little bit* College I just wanted to graduate. *Content showed for a little bit* Working a job I just wanted another adventure.

See the pattern? If not let me reiterate: I just wanted. All that I wanted, I eventually got. But did the things that I got bring me contentment? Sure, for a little bit. But what am I missing? I know that I have been following God's call on my life. I have felt it so fiercely that I can't deny it. Here is what I've come up with so far.

One battle that I know that I am still figuring out is not just following God's call on my life but also his timing. Frustrated tends to show up during these times. Typically shadowing Motivated and Strong Will. I have found that when I get 'done' with where I am I also become very motivated towards finding the next thing. I also become pretty strong willed and perhaps hardheaded with my feelings towards my current situation. I don't think being motivated is a bad thing, but I think what I need to learn is how to control my attitude and heart while I'm searching for that next thing. I know that God will bring me to exactly where I need to be, he has, after all, done that and provided for me in unimaginable ways on my journey thus far. I just need to learn that his timing is also perfect and I am where I am suppose to be until he brings me elsewhere.

And all of that is.... easier said than done. But I am learning nonetheless.

The other pattern I have recently just noticed goes along with my work. If there are two things that I would say to describe myself right off the bat it would be: loyal and hard worker. I have been working since I can remember. And I love it. There is something about the structure of work that is just good for me.

The past couple of stages of my life I can apply this pattern to. Before I go on I want to say that this is not me attacking or looking down on either place of employment. I am so grateful for both opportunities and have learned so much from each. What I have noticed is that with both my past job and my current job I have hit a wall. Now if you look at it, what is seemingly the only thing they have in common? Me, of course. And I definitely have my part to play in all of this, I already admitted that. But hear me out. At what point did I become 'done' with my work in both situations? When I topped out. When I didn't feel as though I was being challenged anymore, when there was no more responsibility to be earned, when there was no room for advancement. I desire growth. I crave it. I want to work hard and bring all that I can to the table. But if I'm being honest, I also want to be acknowledged, even slightly. The smallest gratitude can fuel and energize me for weeks. I desire challenge. I want to continue to learn and become better. These things are important to me, they drive me and ultimately keep my attention. I think, among some other factors including my own shortcomings, this also pushes me to seek other opportunities.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with seeking other opportunities either. Just as long as I am listening to god's call and being mindful of his timing, not mine.

Content. He is a difficult concept. A lot harder for me to understand than any of the others I named. But him and I are working it out. And the more that I learn about god and myself, the closer I get to understanding. I remind myself of a post that I wrote a while ago - joy comes in the form of thankfulness. And there is so much that I have to be thankful for. For instance, I am now officially a Wilderness First Responder aka WFR (pronounced woof-er). Also, tomorrow I will head back into the woods for the first time in 3 weeks -eek! And I actually think that I am content about that. Would I prefer to not be going? Yeah, but I am. So let's make the best of it, huh?

Well, I think that's all I got for y'all this time around. Until next time, if you go swimming remember to thank your lifeguard. Their job is boring and they are there to save your life :)

Grips on your heart

This post is one that may seem random and unlike the others that I have written, primarily because this one is digging into parts of my mind and heart that I rarely share.

This post is about those people who just have a grip on your life, your heart, and you just don't know how to get them away. And you can go ahead and replace 'you' with 'my' for that last sentence.

And just let me be clear, this post has nothing to do with the fact that some stupid hallmark holiday is coming up. Gag me.

Last shift one of my co-workers said something along the lines of:

We are all puzzles, our pieces scattered about when we are born and we have no idea what the complete picture looks like. But as we go through life we collect pieces and as we meet people we collect pieces and as we experiences different things we... collect pieces. Everyone and everything pieces together a little bit more of the puzzle, good and bad. 

I think there is a lot of truth in that. We are influenced by everything and everyone around us, positively and negatively. Some people can impact us more than other, again, positively or negatively. And sometimes I think that sucks.

I don't even know how to write this post without being completely passive and to be honest I really am not sure if writing this is even going to be good or relieving for my heart. I highly doubt it.

I just have a question and if anyone knows the answer, please, please, enlighten me.

Why do some people linger in your heart? Even long after you have realized you don't want them there. Even when years have passed. Even when you get angry and upset when the thought of them comes up again. Is there any way to get rid of puzzle pieces?

But then I think, my puzzle would be incomplete without that piece. The piece has shaped me to become the person that I am today, and as much as I loathe it, continues to shape me even today. I don't know if wanting that piece to be gone is good or bad; I don't know who I would be if that piece was never in my life.

But I guess it doesn't matter because I can't turn back time. And the piece is in my puzzle and for whatever reason continues to poke my brain to remind me it is there. Someone once told me, "You will continue to have the same lesson until you have learned from it." I do not know what else I can learn from this and I really am getting fed up trying to learn anything else from it. What I'm waiting for is to learn how to let go. And I mean really let go.

Maybe that is the problem, that I just don't know how to let go. I can't image a part of me that is still holding on and yet I know it is true. If you were to ask me to name a characteristic trait I'd use to describe myself the first one I'd say is loyal. I'd say that I can be loyal to a fault.

So, what? Because I have this trait I get screwed over? That doesn't seem fair.

Well, I guess my question from above changes: how do you really let people go?

Until next time, I'm still asking questions and searching for answers. 

Time Off? But not really.

Thursday was the beginning of my three weeks off. Woah, what a feeling. I took next shift off. The first shift I have taken off since I started working at Trails last June. I will be taking a WFR course, something that I have wanted to take for awhile now. I’m pretty excited about it, but even more so I am looking forward to having THREE weeks that I will be living in civilization. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. 

This past week was really good. I was with the oldest girls group, the one that I had spent two weeks with over the holidays. It was pretty great to be back with them and to meet some new faces. We spent the first half of the week camping out in the snow. That was my first experience camping in the snow and it was… interesting. It actually wasn't too bad to be honest. The hikes were a little more challenging because walking on snow and ice uses different muscles. My feet actually got a little sore too. The girls handled it well though - although I spent a lot of time talking about gratitude, perspective, mentality and choosing what you make of the moment. It was actually a fairly inspirational week. It was very cold though and I put a lot of time and energy into making sure everyone was safe and cared for. The later part of the week we went to base, a very welcomed break from the cold. There I spent two and a half days putting in the hard work of bow drilling. 

BOW DRILLING

There were multiple girls who needed to bust coals this week and who were beyond frustrated with the art of bow drilling. Real quick just to make sure we are all on the same page this is what bow drilling is: the act of using your set, all hand made (a bow, a fire board, a top rock and spindle) and drilling the spindle into the fire board to cause enough friction to create punk and then in turn create or “bust” a coal. 

 What does this look like? 

A mix between, working your tail off and then throwing spindles at the ground, shouting, “I CAN”T DO THIS! IT’S SO STUPID!” All while those lovely crocodile tears mixed with real tears are hotly streaming down red faces.

It looks like getting so mad and walking away, but coming back because your set is hot. 

It looks like smoking billowing out over your board and then busting the notch, going all the way back to square one. 

It looks like all the girls giving their full attention when the smoke gets thicker.

It looks like busting a fader and being so. stinking. close. and wanting to keep going but give up at the same time.  

It looks like beads of sweat on your forehead even though it’s cold enough to see your breath. 

What does it sound like?

It sounds like a bunch of girls singing/screaming the ABC’s and then counting to 10, “YOU CAN DO IT! PUSH, PUSH! BREATHE!”

It sounds like raw disappointment: when you feel like you’re just never going to get it. 

It sounds like raw empathy: when a girl who has busted keeps encouraging the one who is trying, reminiscing how hard it was for her to get her first coal.

It sounds like desperation: wanting to bust so bad, wanting to accomplish something you have put so much time into, wanting to be done with it! 

Bow drilling is hard. It takes time. It is frustrating. So, this week, I broke out my set that I had put away for so long because just like the girls I, too, was frustrated. But as I mentioned earlier I spent a lot of time this week “preaching” at the girls about mentality, perspective and gratitude. It was time I started practicing what I was preaching. So each day I got my set out and started working on it. And the girls who needed to bow drill would come and join me, “bow drill parties.” And no, they aren’t as fun as they sound. And I put the work in, just like the girls. I rasped three new spindles, made a new fire board, and then started working on my first notch. And the girls were working hard too. And they got mad and frustrated and sad. And I busted a fader just as my first notch broke. And I got frustrated. But I kept working. And the girls came and went as their frustrations came and went. And we were covered in wood shavings from working on our sets. But I stayed. And I kept working. And I didn’t bust that night. So the next day, I got back at it. And so did the girls. And we put in the time and the work and the sweat. I worked through three notches. My shoulder hurt. My knee hurt. I felt like such an old person, and I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, but I just couldn’t give up. And it was a mix between not wanting to give up for myself and not wanting to give up for those girls. Because now it wasn’t just them against bow drilling, it was us against bow drilling. And I couldn’t stop. And then, it happened. I busted my very first coal. And it was a fatty coal too (really big). And I couldn’t have been more excited. And then… two of the other girls busted coals too. And the energy was unreal! (Almost) Everyone was celebrating an good vibes filled the air. But one girl still hadn’t busted and it wasn’t looking good for her. But she was fighting a different battle. One that wasn’t just between her and her bow drill set, but came more from within. She is still fighting both battles, and I am confident when she overcomes one the other will be easily won. 

Bow drilling looks like all of those things that I described earlier, but it looks completely different when you bust your first coal. It feels euphoric. A wave of accomplishment and relief. It also looks like screaming girls, jumping up and down, celebrating the completion of a challenge they must all face one day. It looks like tears of joy for some girls, like the biggest smiles they’ve had in days or weeks. It looks like burning a hole in letter paper to show mom or dad that it actually happened! It looks like hard earned pride and self worth. 

I am so proud of those girls. I am proud of them for fighting the fight, for throwing in the towel and picking it up again. Because yeah, it is just bow drilling but to be honest, it is so much more than that. It is, “If I can do this, if I can put the work into this and not give up even though I want to, what else can I do?” It is that “what else am I capable of when I put my mind to it.” 

I guess I’m pretty proud of myself too. It truly was an amazing feeling. And just like the girls I, too, felt the rush of accomplishment and pride. And I too burned my coal into paper. This job is hard work but moments like that, that makes it worth it. So that’s my bow drilling story. I will say that I’m pretty excited to get back on it when I return back after my couple weeks off. 

Last but not least: In the oldest girls group one of the therapists brings out mantras. One staff holds them all upside down and the girls pick one and try to relate what it says to their life and use the coming week to reflect on it's words. The night that I busted my coal I picked this mantra, "She was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them." It was the first time I have heard this and I couldn't believe how much it related to me for bow drilling and more significantly, to my life. I'm not saying I'm "unstoppable" but I am saying that I have experienced so much success, big and small, and I truly believe it is because I have chosen not to give up. That I have taken the times that I have failed, the times when life seemed to be pooping on me at every turn, that I questioned my decisions, that I have doubted my foundation, that I have taken major leaps of faith and kept pushing through. I don't know where life is going to take me next, but I know that I am capable. 

Alright, so now, before I go I am going to leave you all with a beautiful poem. I wish I could take credit for it, but it actually came from that book I recommended last post. 

Until next time, may you push yourself farther than you thought you could to accomplish something you knew you could. 

"Out here is where the magic happens,

here in the quiet, gentle hills.

Here is where you have cried out

with moans as deep as the earth.

Here is where you have found your long-lost

precious self that the madness took away.

You will leave part of yourself here,

but you will take all the hope in the world with you.

So when you get back to those people

who talk big in large rooms, you will know this:

You have been silent in places too beautiful for words."