Where has time gone?

For those of you (and I can't imagine that there are any) who have been diligently checking for updates and ergo disappointed in the lack of updates, I apologize. Here is the grand update you all have been waiting for!

Wow - life is good. Did you hear?! LIFE IS GOOD. I have been in Colorado for somewhere over or around 9 months. And out of the four other states I've lived in, this one feels pretty darn right. I love wearing my birkenstocks with socks when there is snow on the ground and not get weird looks. I LOVE that there is barely any humidity. I love the mountains in my backyard. I am learning about the community and appreciate the people who I have relationships with. My job is a job that sometimes is really good and other times not my favorite. But it has taught and continues to teach me more about myself, God, life and how to love people well. So again I say, life is good.

Mike and I have been dating for going on 9 months in January. Just about a month or so after I moved to CO things just clicked. And what a guy he is. It has been so wonderful having someone to do life with. We have learned a lot together and are still learning how to love each other through the everyday stuff. I also love his dog Buddy who has provided me with lots of joy. Since I am living on camp property, I am unable to have a dog of my own, but God is even faithful in the little details of allowing me to "have" a dog through Mike.



 So many fun things have happened and are happening! A little over a week ago, my best friend, Clare got married! It was so awesome being able to stand next to her on that day and celebrate a beautiful love between Clare and Dez. Mike was my date, and turns out we can look pretty snazzy together!

Tomorrow I fly home to Chicago to be with the rest of my family as we are all together this year for Christmas. And this year our family will be growing as we all anxiously await the arrival of my brother, David and Kendra's first child. A new chapter of life for all of us, but especially them as they enter into parenthood. I can't imagine it all will be easy or fun for that matter, but I know that together the two of them will be amazing parents as they lean into each other and God to lead them.

Mike will fly out to Chicago the day after Christmas to hang with my family for a few days. We plan to get Chicago style pizza, see the city and continue to build relationships and just hang out. Unfortunately, Buddy won't be able to make the trip.

And we have lots to look forward to in the upcoming months! In January I finally get my car back from being fixed! I head to the dentist for a short course of Invisalign to correct my moving teeth (I'm very excited)! Mike, his siblings and I will head to Denver to watch the Aves take on the Black Hawks! Mike and I are going to a Gregory Allen Isokof with the Colorado Symphony Concert, part of Mike's Christmas presents! Perhaps something else in January that I can not disclose quite yet!

February I will fly to Texas for a week for work to obtain my Level 2 Ropes Certification. And then In March Mike and I will fly to Florida to spend a week on the beach. Mike will have the opportunity to meet my Dad's side of the family and we both will hopefully get a little sun!

So you see, life is good! Not without bumps in the road or frustrations. But even those are good in hindsight. I am thrilled with where God has lead me through life and will continue to trust in his faithfulness and perfect timing.

Last little bit. December 22 last year was a Tuesday. And it was a Tuesday that I will never forget. It was the Tuesday before the 23, as most 22nd days are. But that 23rd happened to fall on a Wednesday, and Wednesdays were the beginning of shift. Last year on the 23rd I got up and drove to work to live in the woods for 2 weeks with a bunch of troubled teens in North Carolina. And the 22nd was hard. I cried more that day than I ever remember crying. It is amazing to think about how different these days are one year apart. Today, I woke up with news of soon being an aunt. I packed my bag not with a sleeping bag and raincoat and extra toe warmers but with sweaters and climbing gear. I drove to Mike's house with snowflakes gently falling and was greeted with a wagging tail and a wood burning stove. Today, I have shed happy tears and drink a warm vanilla latte next to a Christmas tree. BUT I would not trade that day

a year ago or the 15 days that followed. Instead I remember and in some ways really miss that. I will never forget that Christmas morning, waking up in my sleeping bag on the ground and seeing the faces of those kids who didn't expect anything and received something. It was beautiful. And today is beautiful too.

I think it is so important to remember how different and how similar things are from a year ago. And I encourage you to look back and remember. Maybe life seems harder now than it did then. Look over the past year and seek to understand. But also do not overlook the current joys and gifts that are in your life today - because I promise that if you look, you will find them.

Life is good my friends. I wish you a Merry Christmas. Joyous times with family and friends. And a new year filled with blessings and lots of laughter.

Until next time, just look how cute Buddy is! 

Rough Days

I think the title of this post can be misleading because today really wasn't a rough day. There were parts of it that were more challenging than others but overall, it was a pretty good day.

I think that sometimes it is so easy for us to take what might be a few rough moments and turn that into a whole day. For example this morning I had a situation that hurt my pride and I could feel myself having a really hard time with it, and as I was trying to turn my attention to work my heart just was hurting because of my hurt pride - so I stopped. And I took five minutes to breathe and turn that back over to God and ask him to take that away from me. And he did. But surprise, surprise, it happened a few times today - not just pride but also things that just made my heart hurt or sad.

WHY! Why is it so easy for us me to just dwell and stew in those negative emotions, feelings and thoughts? WHY would I let the devil whisper lies into my ear when it is SO OBVIOUS that Jesus has blessed me and faithfully provided more than I could imagine. WHY do we conceal these thoughts and try to fight and lose by ourselves? I do not want to fight the devil in the dark - I want to see him tremble in the light as Jesus stands by my side.

Today was not a bad day. And I will refuse to let the enemy steal my joy and feed me lies. I am blessed and thankful. I am loved and I love. I am enough and I have enough. I will give more than I can and serve faithfully.

Today was a good day. And tomorrow will be here when it is; but God has given me enough for today and I will have faith he will provide enough for tomorrow as well.

Until next time, let it go and let joy return. 

Colorado Loving

I am so shocked with how fast time passes and yet it has seemed to go by so slowly. I think that may be something that always will be a challenging concept for me to understand.

I don't think that it is possible for me to convey how much I love where I am right now. Life is so good, God is so good and I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am in life.

The summer here at Horn Creek is about half way done and I can't believe how fast this summer is passing. I am enjoying my job, although I am spending more time than I'd like in the office than being outside at the activities. I think that this is due to camp being so new and I am trying to get things up and running from the office standpoint. I have really enjoyed getting to know my staff better and investing into those relationships. I also have loved having a small group of young women. We meet every Monday night and it has been a great experience for me and them as well. I am learning more about myself and what my strengths are. It also has been great to see how being in a community like this has been able to help and challenge me too.

While most days I spend at my desk, and after having worked in Wilderness for almost a year I am trying to appreciate being able to sit in a chair with a back on it and be grateful for that, my evenings and day off is filled with adventure and activity! I recently took up trail running and how convenient that there is a trail head to a National Forest not but 5 minutes away! I have begun to really enjoy seeing how much I can push my body and how much more capable it is than I originally thought! I have gotten stronger and am thrilled by it. My love for climbing has only deepened since I have moved here and I have also developed a love for the simplicity of walking. Oh and I tried mountain biking for the first time! Learning new skills and trying new things is so life giving to me and I thrilled that I have the ability to try new things! I also was able to learn how to ride a motorcycle this past week! Granted I never made it out of first gear and just mastered doing figure eights in the parking lot, but it was still so much fun!

I truly am loving where God has lead me. I love my church, my job, my community, my lifestyle. I love how faithful God has been and has provided for me in ways that I could not expect. I am sure there will be downs as there have been ups but I am living in these moments that I have and enjoying what God brings to me - the good and the hard.

This is just a short update but as time passes, I'll make sure to keep everyone updated. For now - life is so good.

Until next time, drink good coffee and get your feet in the dirt. 

An Update and a Doctor

As I type this out I am on a plane heading back to Colorado. My return trip went a lot smoother than the long travel day on Thursday. My trip was to Dayton, OH to see my brother, David, graduate from medical school. The trip was much welcomed as my past two weeks have been exhausting to say the least. On the 12^th of May some 90 summer staff arrived at camp and since then it has been constant ‘go go go.’ And that is not all bad, indeed a lot of it is good, but tiring nonetheless.

It has been so cool to see the energy that the summer staff brought with them. Even though I am not much older than most of them, I feel like I am. But after the initial (extreme) state of being overwhelmed and things began to settle in, I really grew fond of their presence and in my own time started to get to know the summer staff more personally. During the past two weeks, the 17 staff that I oversee directly spent 3 days in Ropes training, 3 days in Lifeguard training (with me) and then the other days in all staff training and also training their co-staff on how to run the activities. They are also tired, to say the least. But they are a good group of people and I'm really excited to work alongside of them this summer. 

Summer is definitely a change of pace. I had only been at camp for about month (hard to believe) before summer staff arrived. But during that month I had learned a routine that I had grown to love. In the short amount of time that I have lived in CO I have started attending a church that I love. I have been accepted into a community at camp. I have developed deeper friendships with some of my co-workers. And I have made friendships with people in the community. I have been blown away at how fast Westcliffe and this small mountain community has become my home. And I am thankful for that.

I have adventured! With one of my friends from the community who I got connected with after realizing similar passions in life. Together with his faithful dog, Buddy, we have hiked, rock climbed, scrabbled, bouldered, and walked. Both having a passion for adventure and the outdoors, coupled with a sense of presence and closeness with the Creator in nature – our adventures and conversation have been meaningful and eventful. From hiking to the top of Lover’s Leap and getting lost on the way down with only one headlamp and the moon guiding us away from cliffs and ravines to watching the flames dance over a pile of logs with the mountains sleeping in the background. I am thankful for a companion to share these experience with.

So as mentioned I had gotten accustom to a schedule, that I very much liked. I worked very hard from 8a until between 5-8p and on days that it worked out I would leave right around 5 and head out for an adventure with Mike and Buddy. It was pretty great. And then it all changed. Summer staff got here and for the past two weeks I’ve been up at 6 and have worked through 10:30-11p every night. It has been a demanding schedule between training staff, keeping up with emails, providing for 15 horses and leading a small group. It’s been hard not having time to myself. But it has also been so incredible being able to serve, learn and teach alongside all of the people who God has brought to Horn Creek for the summer.

But all of this to say I was pretty excited when last Thursday came around and I made the two-hour drive to Colorado Springs to head out to Dayton for my brother’s graduation. It was a welcomed break from the chaos. I was excited to see my family and I was excited to celebrate this accomplishment with my brother! But as I mentioned earlier my travel plans didn’t go as smoothly as I anticipated. There were two delayed flights and then my seat was given away, which meant a “cancelled” flight and me being put on a later flight. In the end, after quite a bit of frustration on my part,

I arrived and had dinner with both sides of grandparents, parents and my brother and sister-in-law. It was so nice to spend time with all of them and catch up. I’m thankful for who each of them is in my life.

I’d like to take a minute or so to really acknowledge my brother. He truly is an inspiration. I am so blessed to have him as an example in my life. David is gifted in many different areas of his life: musically, academically, inter-personally, with written words. He is a servant and has a heart for people. He is a very hard worker and has a desire to grow and learn more to help better himself and those around him. He (as have my parents and sister) has modeled a loving, successful, dedicated marriage. He shows Christ in the way he lives and through who he is. I am proud to call him my brother. And I am so proud of his accomplishments through these last four years. He not only worked hard in his studies and long hours of clinicals and rotations, but served at his church, played sports and was involved in a community life and not to be forgotten, took great care of Taz the fluffball cat. But seriously, watching my brother receive his doctorate and having the funny hood thing placed over him filled me with joy and pride. Congratulations David. God has big plans for your future, and I’m excited to see what that looks like. I hope through this new and exciting transition you have some time to process these past four years. Love you David!

Alright, well I’m hoping this flight is over soon. I’m also thankful that the baby that was crying for 20 minutes stopped. But I also think that I’m going to take however much longer I have on this flight to enjoy not having to be anywhere or do anything. I really think that especially in our day and age the act of just being is seriously overlooked. There is always going to be another e-mail, another book to read, another meeting to be in, another red light to shake your fist at – but will there always be another moment just like the one you just left? Can we just sit and be comfortable with ourselves not doing anything for 2 minutes? Or is our time then wasted? Something to think about at the next red light – you are forced to just be, to stop, to wait. Try it.

Until next time, may you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and know it is from God and that it is good. 

Good Ole CO

Man. It feels like it has been months since I last wrote a post. It feels like it has been months since I have been in Colorado. But I haven't even lived here for a whole month! But can I tell you a secret? I am so incredibly happy with where I am in life right now. I am busy and sometimes overwhelmed but I am so so happy. God is good, always.

There are so many things that I want to be able to write and say - but honestly it has been a long day. It's been a long few weeks. Between being thrown into a new job and having to catch on quick to flying out to Seattle for a weekend to get my Lifeguard Instructor cert. I've been re-writing policies and procedures, buying near gear, writing staff training manuals, and attending leadership meetings. I'm in charge of First Aid for all of camp, the horse program, all of the ropes, water and recreation activities. This summer I'll have 17 people directly reporting to me. Did I mention that I'm 24? Sometimes I just stop and think about my job and all of the responsibility that is in my hands. I love what I am doing. I am being challenged daily, I'm learning new things and I am in an amazing community of people!

I've only been here about a month and I feel like I have friends who I have known for months and months. I am connected in a church and go to a small group. I am busy and energized.

Oh and it is so stinkin' beautiful here! Even though we have gotten loaded with snow multiple times. I have also been able to invest in doing things that I love to do like climbing! Yesterday I went out climbing on real rock for the first time this season! It was so much fun and such an incredible natural high. I can't wait to get back out on the rocks and continue to learn more and get stronger. And I really just enjoyed being back in God's creation. Don't worry, I'm sure that I'll post some outdoor climbing pictures soon :)

I know that this isn't that big of an update, but it is also kind of hard to give updates when so much time has passed. I am going to try my best to continue to write more consistently, but please allow for some grace as summer comes closer. My schedule will get nothing but busier.

Until next time, take a deep breath, like a really deep breath, and just be in the moment you are in.

Woah, I need a minute.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I kind of think that I should leave this post blank because the thought of how much there is to say leaves me feeling drained.

Let me start here: I am home. For the first time since mid-December aka "Christmas." And it feels great. I think that I'll do this post a little different, let's go in reverse, shall we!

 Saturday: I spent the entire day doing.. nothing. I ate and slept and that's about it. I guess you could say the past week and a half finally caught up with me. It also was snowy and cold here today, and yesterday I was in 70 degree weather in Asheville. So I enjoyed the fact that I could just hide in my blankets on the best bed in the world for the day.

Friday: I woke up fairly early and continued the packing process that I had started Thursday (we will get there, don't worry). I went out to grab coffee with a friend in the morning to say goodbye and then continued to load up Rocky and my trailer. I am always surprised at how much stuff there is. But it all fit and I was ahead of my departure schedule. I swung by Judy's, she is the woman who had the horses that I worked for her. I just missed her but dropped off flowers and a card. And then right around 3:45p eastern time, I hit the road gunning for home. Well kind of. I was planning on stopping about halfway through the trip, an estimated 10.5 hours of straight driving, for the night. However, as I had been warned by my parents earlier hotels book up fast and after stopping in Louisville and then somewhere an hour north of that and having no luck with rooms I decided I was just going to go home. I got home right around 4 am eastern time. Probably makes a little more sense why I hid in bed all day today, huh? I was exhausted.

Thursday: I woke up very early. And immediately, after making coffee, started packing. I knew that I wanted to get out of Asheville quick because I wanted to be able to spend as much time at home as I could. But, packing sucks. However, by 4p I had half of my apartment packed up and some of it already loaded in my car and trailer. Then I headed off to the Y to work one last shift at the climbing wall. It was a much needed break and great to do something that I loved one last time. I wish I had known about this job sooner, I would not have lifeguarded for as long! But, lifeguarding also was what got me connected with Judy and the horses, so for that I'm very thankful. Anyway, after my shift I went back to what I had been calling home for the past year and order some pizza. Shortly after two of my friends from Trails came over to hang one last time. Lots of laughter and memories passed back and forth. And then somewhere around 1a I went to bed.

Wednesday: I got off shift. It had been a pretty weird week for me. Due to some new students in groups who needed more attention, staff had to be moved around to accommodate. Obviously supporting my other co-staff is something that I do not hesitate to do but this meant that some on call staff where sent to my group to fill in. There was a lot of coming and going and also working with staff that I didn't know. It wasn't exactly how I would've liked my last shift to go, but that's how it went so.. yeah. I was back in Alpha, where I had been since December due to the fact the therapists were requesting me. I have watched those students grow and change, so I'm thankful to have been there one last time. When I told them on Tuesday night during our nightly Honor Circle around the fire that this was my last shift, they all cried. I read them a letter that I wrote to the group and handed out small notes I had written individually. They told me:

-You have cared more for me than anyone else ever has
-You listened to me and gave me your undivided attention
-You inspired me to be grateful. To be strong. To be adventurous.
-You have impacted my life in ways you won't know

I did not cry. But I felt overwhelmed by them. I have sat by many fires throughout my life but I will not forget sitting by that fire that night, and I will not forget the people who I sat with and I will not forget the words they spoke into my life. Perhaps I when I can dig it up again I will share with you the letter that I wrote to them. They also wrote me letters that I will keep with me for years to come.

Coming off shift on Wednesday, I had to say goodbye to many people who I have come to respect and value. They had a little ceremony and spoke kind words of my work and my character. For that I am thankful. And I also shared something with them, which I will also share here too. Since my very first day I have journaled, every shift. Some shifts have multiple entries, others only one or two. But during this shift I read through them all. I was taken back to moments and groups, students I hadn't thought about in months. I was taken back to campsites and feelings. To specific moments in time. And I was thankful for those memories. I couldn't believe how much had happened and that was only what I had taken the time to journal about! I wanted to voice my time at Trails but didn't want to be lengthy - everyone just wants to go home after shift. So - I took a sentence or two from each entry, and combined them. It actually turned out really cool, and that is what I shared then and will share now. Here's a little look at my time at Trails:

First day, check / This job is crazy. I am encouraged by the small success. Not saying it is easy, I honestly can't believe it's only been 3 days. / I see so much potential in these kids. / Just saw a kid eating an ant. / I miss my friends and family. / I am thankful. / This staff shift is cool. / Peed on a crawfish unknowingly this morning. / On my way to work Wednesday I got in a car accident. / Killing it with these hikes. / I'm not perfect and this job isn't always easy but it means something. / I put in so much effort. / Girls groups are annoying. / Charlie is..Different. / Tonight we watched the sunset overlooking the mountains and talked about the future. It was beautiful. / I'm working on my tone and gratefuls. / So much beauty. / Lots of rain. / I'm sensing a lot of trouble this week. / I was thinking about how much I have learned from this job. Sometimes I think everyone should work here. / One girl has broken down crying everyday. / 20 minute hike taking 5 hours. / So mad I was tearing up. But the sky was beautiful and I'm thankful that I could walk away and experience that beauty. / Sometimes I get lost in my head. / Talking to a boy pooping. / I wish I had oreos or fruit snacks. / Encouraged by Rachel's (my supervisor) feedback. / Looking forward to Wednesday. / We are hiking the Devil's Elbow. / We are not hiking D-Bow. / I'm thankful for an early night. / I feel supported. / It rained for 16 hrs. / I just want this week to be over. / There is a girl who drives me nuts. But it is good because she will help me grow and challenge me. / Rough morning. / It's going to be fine. / Non-stop chaos. / This has been by far the most taxing shift. / It's 9:34p on a Wednesday and everyone's been asleep for 2 hours. / I'm thankful for a reminder of home. / Today is Christmas morning and it has been very special. / I told two girls they're gradding today and it is always so exciting seeing their reaction. / I know it's only Monday but I'm feeling pretty good about doing a double. / I'm feeling fairly refreshed and confident that this week will go well. I just need to focus on the positive and stay present. / It's January 1st 2016. I can't believe it. / Today is Tuesday, my second Tuesday. It is so beautiful and I'm digging it. / This is my first shift not leading in 12 weeks. / It snowed. / I'm leading again. / I didn't want to work this week but here I am and I'm really trying to make the most of it. / I'm tired. / I feel refreshed after yesterday and ready to rock these next few days. / 2 girls are snoring and my back hurts. / Got up early to sit on the kitchen floor with tea and a banana to read. / This has been a challenging week. / It has been pretty chill here in P-town. / The sun is out and the air is warm. I'm very happy. / We laid in the grass for a while soaking up the sun. / Last night I got hit with a water bottle. / It has been really beautiful the past few days. / Sitting on a beach while the group builds sand castles and the sun plays hide and seek behind the clouds. / A fox ran through camp. / The day is calm and peaceful. / There has been a lot of laughter. / Bear attacked. / There has been so much laughter this shift. / It has been a little wild. / I'm trying to stay present. / I need to be grateful for where I am and take in all I can. / The week is what I make of it. / I just watched the horses play and it was peaceful. / I have cried twice today and it is only 9:30a. / Feels like home. / I've grown so much here. / Right now I feel content and peaceful. / Last shift, check. 

It was powerful for me. And everyone really appreciated it and thanked me. One of my supervisors asked me to give her a copy to hang up. I felt like I left work really well. It will be weird not returning next Wednesday. And honestly, I think that I'm going to miss it too - just not enough to go back.

Well, I think for now that's all I'm going to write. My brain is still feeling pretty fried. I will say that I am so glad to be home and so excited for this week to 'relax' and also continue to prepare for my next adventure. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted!

Until next time, don't forget to let your body rest. 

Best Friend, New Adventure and Colorado

As I had mentioned last Thursday I got on a plane headed for Denver, Colorado. I was heading out to see my best friend, Clare. It was such an incredible trip! I am so glad that I got to spend the time with her and catch up on life.

Let me take a couple minutes to talk to you about Clare, she is definitely a noteworthy person.

CLARE: Nickname - Soap Bubble. Why? Because she is bubbly and light. She has so many different, beautiful colors about her. She is a stunning human being inside and out.

Clare and I met almost 7 years ago. Holy cow, I can't believe it's been that long. We roomed together throughout college. We struggled with life together, we laughed together, we cried together, we explored together, we talked deeply about God and love and school, we discussed and challenged each other, we grew together. We did life together and then we did life apart. After college Clare settled in Denver and then shortly after started school to get her masters. As you all know, life has taken me to many different states. But despite the distance our friendship stayed strong. For as loyal as I am, Clare is equally as loyal. Thanks to phone calls and skype we have been able to keep up with each other's lives, regardless of how busy we are. Even more reassuring is that even without seeing each other for almost a year in between each visit, we fall back into life as if no time has passed at all. I am beyond thankful for a best friend like her.


So during this visit to Colorado we filled each day with adventures and quality time. Grace and Annie, two of Clare's sisters spent time and adventured with us too, along with Dez, Clare's boyfriend. It was so great to be able to spend time with all of these wonderful people; it brought my heart so much joy and I'm thankful for all of them.

We spent one day at the Garden of the Gods and then for whatever reason we hiked The Monitou Incline. I get tired even writing the name of it. The Incline is only a 1 mile hike but it climbs 2,000 vertical feet during that 1 mile. Meaning the summit is some 8000 ft. It was awesome and awful at the same time. It took Clare and Grace about an hour and 3 minutes. It took me about an hour and 10 minutes. But it was really awesome and I'm glad that I did it. The picture to the right give you a little bit of understanding as to what it looked like and the video clip below will help you understand what I felt like climbing it!  

We also spent a good portion of a day rock climbing, which was awesome! This trip was definitely filled with adventures and good memories. And among all of these incredible memories I also got to share a really awesome moment with my best friend too. But here's a little back story: 

As you all know I was waiting to hear back about a potential job opportunity out in CO. As I wrote about in previous blogs I have been working on accepting God's timing over my own. So last shift I intentionally decided not to bring my phone out into the field to be intentional about listening to God and his direction. I won't lie, I fully expected to come out of the woods last Wednesday with an e-mail waiting in my inbox telling me one way or another. I will also be honest and say that I was extremely disappointed when I did not find that e-mail in my inbox. But I remembered, God's timing. So I waited, and Thursday I sent out an e-mail reaffirming my interest and asking what next steps look liked. A phone call was in the works of being scheduled but with my travel plans and also their traveling on Thursday, it was moved to Friday, again, God's timing not mine. Come Friday we set up a time for the conversation to take place, 3:00p. As the time drew closer I became more anxious and jittery. And literally minutes before 3:00p rolled around I received a text saying the the phone call would have to be delayed for about an hour due to an impromptu meeting with the president of the ministry. It was literally like God (lovingly) smacked me and said, "HELLOOO! My timing remember! Stop being anxious!! I got this!" And at that point God just removed my sense of time; I had no idea when the phone call was happening and I just had to let it all go. So I did. And through all of this, Clare was patiently sitting by my side watching all of my crazy. And then the phone rang. 

I am so excited to announce that I was offered the job and will be moving out to Colorado by mid April! I am now the Activities Manager and Retreats Coordinator at Sky Ranch Horn Creek! 

It was so much fun to celebrate this new opportunity with my best friend and I'm thankful for her support and love through it all. As I transition into this new chapter of my life I hope that God continues to remind me to trust in His timing. I'm also pretty excited to only being living 3 hours and 3 minutes (we mapped it) from my best friend! But also that I am going back into ministry with so many exciting opportunities within my new position! I can't wait to see what God has planned for this new adventure!! 

Well, that's all I got for now. Thanks for sticking around until the end :)

Until next time, take a breath and trust that God's watch works better than yours. 

(At the top of The Incline. We could see for miles!) 

Temporary Drifter

Hi Friends! It feels like it has been so long since I have last written. Hopefully this post will fill you all in on the adventures that I've been having.

I feel as if I've turned into a temporary drifter. I haven't slept in the same place two nights in a row since March 5th. It has been exhilarating and exhausting. My last off shift I had an amazing opportunity to be flown out to Colorado for a meet and greet job interview for a full time year round position at a Christian Camp and Conference Center. Before anyone gets too excited, I am still waiting to hear the outcome but regardless of how it turns out, it was such an incredible experience.

I flew into Colorado Springs and since I don't remember anything from when I was out there as a kid (sorry Mom and Dad) I was in awe of the beauty that I found. The size of the mountains and the vast open spaces are such a unique combination that inspired a profound admiration. I stayed in Pueblo for a night, so thankful to sleep in a bed (it had been about 3 months)! And the next day drove to the Great Sand Dunes National Park. What a beautiful and yet random place! Afterwards, I traveled to the camp grounds and spent the next day and a half meeting people and getting acquainted with the grounds. As I said before, it was a really great experience. I traveled back to Asheville that Tuesday and went out into the woods on Wednesday.

My week at work started out hot right from the start. From 4p-12a me and one of my staff were occupied with a student who had attempted to run and we were trying to keep her safe. At one point my head had the unfortunate pleasure of being introduced to her water bottle, which ultimately resulted in a concussion. Like I said, my week started off hot. After a whole bunch of logistical things, the group, myself and one of my co-staff headed out to Panther Town for expo. We hiked to some cool campsites and the group did really well. It is always hard to only have one other staff, especially when you have 7 kids. Safe to say, I got very little down time. But my week was filled with lots of laughter and joy despite it all. The week also ended with a bang! Tuesday night somewhere around 12, I had finally crawled into my sleep bag and was just getting warm and toasty when not 200 ft from camp I could hear a bear clawing and scratching his way up our bear hang tree. Then a conversation something like this:

*Whisper* Staff: "Hey. Hey! There's a bear at the bear hang."
Me rolling over: Yeah, I know. I can hear it.
S: I think I'm going to go scare it away.
M: Uh, what?
S: Yeah. That will work right?
M: Um. It's a bear, I'm going to stay in my sleeping bag. I'd rather it eat our food than me.
S: It will be ok, I'll take my radio.
M: Wait, what? I'm pretty sure I'll hear you without a radio.

Then she was gone. Enter high anxiety and all senses heightened. I hear her clapping and shaking branches. Not 6 minutes later she is back.

M: Well?
S: I just looked a bear in the face. We locked eyes. And it wasn't scared of me.
M: Good thing you had your radio.
S: What now? Can I have the multitool? (There's a knife on it)
M: For what? It's like 6 inches long. We'd be dead if it was close enough to use it.
S: Should we hang our food? (We had been munching on food while working on paperwork and didn't hang our bear bags)
M: I think it found the food it's going to eat. It already walked past our food. And again, I'd rather it get my pack than me. But if you want to go out into the dark night with your food and a bear lurking somewhere, go ahead.

*Also keep in mind that at this point it is silent and we have no idea where the bear is. So yes, I was still very much anxious. And there is a lot of laughter going on between me and my co-staff because this situation is just kinda ridiculous*

S: Well.. sleep well I guess.
M: Ha! Yeah, you too.

Ironically, I did sleep great that night. I guess I was just too tired to care if a bear was going to eat me. If that doesn't tell you something about my job, than I don't know what would.

It was a great shift. It felt like 5 years since last Wednesday but a lot of really neat things happened within those 8 days.

Today I went out riding this morning and in a few hours I will be getting on a plane to head to Denver, CO. This time for a mini VK to see my best friend Clare! It has been almost a year since our last adventure together and I am so excited to hang out with her for the next few days.

So my drifter ways continue and the adventures and memories are worth it. I'll keep you all posted on my adventures as they unfold in front of me!

Until next time, "the world is full of good people, if you can't find one, be one." 

Story Time

Can I tell you a story? Good, here goes:

Content:

Content was a medium size word, bigger than Joy and Happy but smaller than Dissatisfied and Depressed. Content is evasive though. Joy and Happy are more - sporadic. But they pop up regularly. Depression, well he is around a good chunk of time. And he is obnoxious because he always seems to show up at the most inconvenient times. Dissatisfied is fairly predictable, and that is what makes him somewhat annoying too. You see Dissatisfied comes strolling around the corner right when Content is getting settled. Now, there certainly are others, Motivated, Will - who is very strong and Frustrated, just to name a few.

*Enter Rachel*

All of these emotions meet inside of me, just as I'm sure they meet inside of you. I have spent many years battling Depression and Dissatisfied, searching desperately for Content. Along the way I have found Joy, many times. And Happy and I have run into each other often as well. But I have found that those interactions tend to be brief; Maybe it is days, weeks or months, but they always seem to be chased out of town by big bad Depressed and Dissatisfied.

So naturally I try to figure it out, why am I better friends with Depressed and Dissatisfied? Why is Content so hard to befriend and build a solid relationship with? And there is definitely a pattern.

I get 'tired' and 'done' with where I find myself in life. I can go back in the files to prove it:

Jr high I just wanted to be in high school. *Content showed for a little bit* High school I just wanted  to be in college. *Content showed for a little bit* College I just wanted to graduate. *Content showed for a little bit* Working a job I just wanted another adventure.

See the pattern? If not let me reiterate: I just wanted. All that I wanted, I eventually got. But did the things that I got bring me contentment? Sure, for a little bit. But what am I missing? I know that I have been following God's call on my life. I have felt it so fiercely that I can't deny it. Here is what I've come up with so far.

One battle that I know that I am still figuring out is not just following God's call on my life but also his timing. Frustrated tends to show up during these times. Typically shadowing Motivated and Strong Will. I have found that when I get 'done' with where I am I also become very motivated towards finding the next thing. I also become pretty strong willed and perhaps hardheaded with my feelings towards my current situation. I don't think being motivated is a bad thing, but I think what I need to learn is how to control my attitude and heart while I'm searching for that next thing. I know that God will bring me to exactly where I need to be, he has, after all, done that and provided for me in unimaginable ways on my journey thus far. I just need to learn that his timing is also perfect and I am where I am suppose to be until he brings me elsewhere.

And all of that is.... easier said than done. But I am learning nonetheless.

The other pattern I have recently just noticed goes along with my work. If there are two things that I would say to describe myself right off the bat it would be: loyal and hard worker. I have been working since I can remember. And I love it. There is something about the structure of work that is just good for me.

The past couple of stages of my life I can apply this pattern to. Before I go on I want to say that this is not me attacking or looking down on either place of employment. I am so grateful for both opportunities and have learned so much from each. What I have noticed is that with both my past job and my current job I have hit a wall. Now if you look at it, what is seemingly the only thing they have in common? Me, of course. And I definitely have my part to play in all of this, I already admitted that. But hear me out. At what point did I become 'done' with my work in both situations? When I topped out. When I didn't feel as though I was being challenged anymore, when there was no more responsibility to be earned, when there was no room for advancement. I desire growth. I crave it. I want to work hard and bring all that I can to the table. But if I'm being honest, I also want to be acknowledged, even slightly. The smallest gratitude can fuel and energize me for weeks. I desire challenge. I want to continue to learn and become better. These things are important to me, they drive me and ultimately keep my attention. I think, among some other factors including my own shortcomings, this also pushes me to seek other opportunities.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with seeking other opportunities either. Just as long as I am listening to god's call and being mindful of his timing, not mine.

Content. He is a difficult concept. A lot harder for me to understand than any of the others I named. But him and I are working it out. And the more that I learn about god and myself, the closer I get to understanding. I remind myself of a post that I wrote a while ago - joy comes in the form of thankfulness. And there is so much that I have to be thankful for. For instance, I am now officially a Wilderness First Responder aka WFR (pronounced woof-er). Also, tomorrow I will head back into the woods for the first time in 3 weeks -eek! And I actually think that I am content about that. Would I prefer to not be going? Yeah, but I am. So let's make the best of it, huh?

Well, I think that's all I got for y'all this time around. Until next time, if you go swimming remember to thank your lifeguard. Their job is boring and they are there to save your life :)

Grips on your heart

This post is one that may seem random and unlike the others that I have written, primarily because this one is digging into parts of my mind and heart that I rarely share.

This post is about those people who just have a grip on your life, your heart, and you just don't know how to get them away. And you can go ahead and replace 'you' with 'my' for that last sentence.

And just let me be clear, this post has nothing to do with the fact that some stupid hallmark holiday is coming up. Gag me.

Last shift one of my co-workers said something along the lines of:

We are all puzzles, our pieces scattered about when we are born and we have no idea what the complete picture looks like. But as we go through life we collect pieces and as we meet people we collect pieces and as we experiences different things we... collect pieces. Everyone and everything pieces together a little bit more of the puzzle, good and bad. 

I think there is a lot of truth in that. We are influenced by everything and everyone around us, positively and negatively. Some people can impact us more than other, again, positively or negatively. And sometimes I think that sucks.

I don't even know how to write this post without being completely passive and to be honest I really am not sure if writing this is even going to be good or relieving for my heart. I highly doubt it.

I just have a question and if anyone knows the answer, please, please, enlighten me.

Why do some people linger in your heart? Even long after you have realized you don't want them there. Even when years have passed. Even when you get angry and upset when the thought of them comes up again. Is there any way to get rid of puzzle pieces?

But then I think, my puzzle would be incomplete without that piece. The piece has shaped me to become the person that I am today, and as much as I loathe it, continues to shape me even today. I don't know if wanting that piece to be gone is good or bad; I don't know who I would be if that piece was never in my life.

But I guess it doesn't matter because I can't turn back time. And the piece is in my puzzle and for whatever reason continues to poke my brain to remind me it is there. Someone once told me, "You will continue to have the same lesson until you have learned from it." I do not know what else I can learn from this and I really am getting fed up trying to learn anything else from it. What I'm waiting for is to learn how to let go. And I mean really let go.

Maybe that is the problem, that I just don't know how to let go. I can't image a part of me that is still holding on and yet I know it is true. If you were to ask me to name a characteristic trait I'd use to describe myself the first one I'd say is loyal. I'd say that I can be loyal to a fault.

So, what? Because I have this trait I get screwed over? That doesn't seem fair.

Well, I guess my question from above changes: how do you really let people go?

Until next time, I'm still asking questions and searching for answers. 

Time Off? But not really.

Thursday was the beginning of my three weeks off. Woah, what a feeling. I took next shift off. The first shift I have taken off since I started working at Trails last June. I will be taking a WFR course, something that I have wanted to take for awhile now. I’m pretty excited about it, but even more so I am looking forward to having THREE weeks that I will be living in civilization. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. 

This past week was really good. I was with the oldest girls group, the one that I had spent two weeks with over the holidays. It was pretty great to be back with them and to meet some new faces. We spent the first half of the week camping out in the snow. That was my first experience camping in the snow and it was… interesting. It actually wasn't too bad to be honest. The hikes were a little more challenging because walking on snow and ice uses different muscles. My feet actually got a little sore too. The girls handled it well though - although I spent a lot of time talking about gratitude, perspective, mentality and choosing what you make of the moment. It was actually a fairly inspirational week. It was very cold though and I put a lot of time and energy into making sure everyone was safe and cared for. The later part of the week we went to base, a very welcomed break from the cold. There I spent two and a half days putting in the hard work of bow drilling. 

BOW DRILLING

There were multiple girls who needed to bust coals this week and who were beyond frustrated with the art of bow drilling. Real quick just to make sure we are all on the same page this is what bow drilling is: the act of using your set, all hand made (a bow, a fire board, a top rock and spindle) and drilling the spindle into the fire board to cause enough friction to create punk and then in turn create or “bust” a coal. 

 What does this look like? 

A mix between, working your tail off and then throwing spindles at the ground, shouting, “I CAN”T DO THIS! IT’S SO STUPID!” All while those lovely crocodile tears mixed with real tears are hotly streaming down red faces.

It looks like getting so mad and walking away, but coming back because your set is hot. 

It looks like smoking billowing out over your board and then busting the notch, going all the way back to square one. 

It looks like all the girls giving their full attention when the smoke gets thicker.

It looks like busting a fader and being so. stinking. close. and wanting to keep going but give up at the same time.  

It looks like beads of sweat on your forehead even though it’s cold enough to see your breath. 

What does it sound like?

It sounds like a bunch of girls singing/screaming the ABC’s and then counting to 10, “YOU CAN DO IT! PUSH, PUSH! BREATHE!”

It sounds like raw disappointment: when you feel like you’re just never going to get it. 

It sounds like raw empathy: when a girl who has busted keeps encouraging the one who is trying, reminiscing how hard it was for her to get her first coal.

It sounds like desperation: wanting to bust so bad, wanting to accomplish something you have put so much time into, wanting to be done with it! 

Bow drilling is hard. It takes time. It is frustrating. So, this week, I broke out my set that I had put away for so long because just like the girls I, too, was frustrated. But as I mentioned earlier I spent a lot of time this week “preaching” at the girls about mentality, perspective and gratitude. It was time I started practicing what I was preaching. So each day I got my set out and started working on it. And the girls who needed to bow drill would come and join me, “bow drill parties.” And no, they aren’t as fun as they sound. And I put the work in, just like the girls. I rasped three new spindles, made a new fire board, and then started working on my first notch. And the girls were working hard too. And they got mad and frustrated and sad. And I busted a fader just as my first notch broke. And I got frustrated. But I kept working. And the girls came and went as their frustrations came and went. And we were covered in wood shavings from working on our sets. But I stayed. And I kept working. And I didn’t bust that night. So the next day, I got back at it. And so did the girls. And we put in the time and the work and the sweat. I worked through three notches. My shoulder hurt. My knee hurt. I felt like such an old person, and I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, but I just couldn’t give up. And it was a mix between not wanting to give up for myself and not wanting to give up for those girls. Because now it wasn’t just them against bow drilling, it was us against bow drilling. And I couldn’t stop. And then, it happened. I busted my very first coal. And it was a fatty coal too (really big). And I couldn’t have been more excited. And then… two of the other girls busted coals too. And the energy was unreal! (Almost) Everyone was celebrating an good vibes filled the air. But one girl still hadn’t busted and it wasn’t looking good for her. But she was fighting a different battle. One that wasn’t just between her and her bow drill set, but came more from within. She is still fighting both battles, and I am confident when she overcomes one the other will be easily won. 

Bow drilling looks like all of those things that I described earlier, but it looks completely different when you bust your first coal. It feels euphoric. A wave of accomplishment and relief. It also looks like screaming girls, jumping up and down, celebrating the completion of a challenge they must all face one day. It looks like tears of joy for some girls, like the biggest smiles they’ve had in days or weeks. It looks like burning a hole in letter paper to show mom or dad that it actually happened! It looks like hard earned pride and self worth. 

I am so proud of those girls. I am proud of them for fighting the fight, for throwing in the towel and picking it up again. Because yeah, it is just bow drilling but to be honest, it is so much more than that. It is, “If I can do this, if I can put the work into this and not give up even though I want to, what else can I do?” It is that “what else am I capable of when I put my mind to it.” 

I guess I’m pretty proud of myself too. It truly was an amazing feeling. And just like the girls I, too, felt the rush of accomplishment and pride. And I too burned my coal into paper. This job is hard work but moments like that, that makes it worth it. So that’s my bow drilling story. I will say that I’m pretty excited to get back on it when I return back after my couple weeks off. 

Last but not least: In the oldest girls group one of the therapists brings out mantras. One staff holds them all upside down and the girls pick one and try to relate what it says to their life and use the coming week to reflect on it's words. The night that I busted my coal I picked this mantra, "She was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them." It was the first time I have heard this and I couldn't believe how much it related to me for bow drilling and more significantly, to my life. I'm not saying I'm "unstoppable" but I am saying that I have experienced so much success, big and small, and I truly believe it is because I have chosen not to give up. That I have taken the times that I have failed, the times when life seemed to be pooping on me at every turn, that I questioned my decisions, that I have doubted my foundation, that I have taken major leaps of faith and kept pushing through. I don't know where life is going to take me next, but I know that I am capable. 

Alright, so now, before I go I am going to leave you all with a beautiful poem. I wish I could take credit for it, but it actually came from that book I recommended last post. 

Until next time, may you push yourself farther than you thought you could to accomplish something you knew you could. 

"Out here is where the magic happens,

here in the quiet, gentle hills.

Here is where you have cried out

with moans as deep as the earth.

Here is where you have found your long-lost

precious self that the madness took away.

You will leave part of yourself here,

but you will take all the hope in the world with you.

So when you get back to those people

who talk big in large rooms, you will know this:

You have been silent in places too beautiful for words." 

A Desire for New Adventure

Lately I have been feeling a little bit like a caged animal pacing behind the bars of my cage, drooling over the adventure and 'freedom' I see just beyond my reach. Ok, maybe that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I am starting to feel antsy for a new adventure. Perhaps that is partly because I have been a little bit of a shut in since Asheville got snow everything has been closed. Seriously, they cancelled church today.

Here's the problem though, I'm too much of a 'plan person' to just pick up and move. I guess you could call me "responsible." I want to have adventures - I want to just get in my car and drive! Buuuuut, I have an apartment that I have to pay rent for and a job that I'm expected to show up to and bills and ugh. Adult life. And yet, I kind of like all those things; you see I'm in this pickle. Let me break it down for you.

Pickle: Part 1
I want to go places and travel, have new experiences.

Pickle: Part 2
I want to settle down and have a home base.

Pickle: Part 3
I want a new job.

Pickle: Part 4
I like my job and I'm being offered new opportunities.

Pickle: Part 5
I don't know what I want to do with my life. 

So you see, I am in a pickle. And if you know me, you'll know that struggling with living in the present and being content has always been something of a struggle for me. Honestly, living and working here in NC has probably been the longest time that I have felt content and present. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that these feelings are back, and I'm starting to wonder if every human gets these feelings and desires.

I guess in some ways the future kind of scares me though. I mean, here I am 24 years old, with a handful of experiences and still very much clueless with what I want to do. Yeah, sure, go ahead and say it. "Rachel.... YOU'RE 24!" But I hate that! The new thing with my generation is that, "it's ok to not know what you're doing." But is it? And yeah, sure I know that I am doing things to further my career and I am saving money and, really, I'm in a pretty good place for a 24 year old, but I still have this nagging feeling. I don't even know what my 5 year goal would be at this point. It is all very stressful for me to think about.

Really I just wish that someone would tell me what to do, what job to have, where to move or stay. But we all know that's not going to happen, unless it is myself. But uh, if yall know of any cool opportunities that you think I'd be a good match for, don't hesitate to shoot them my way!

Alright, alright, I'm sure that's enough of a view into my crazy brain for this post. Let me get back to the present moment. Last shift one of my bosses asked me to read a couple books. One of them is called, "Shouting at the Sky," by Gary Ferguson. If you have read my blog in the past, you will know that I have struggled with describing what I do for work. THIS BOOK is the closest and most descriptive account of what I do. Obviously there are differences because it is not the same program but the meat of it all is the same. The book is a narrative that goes through the day to day of Wilderness Therapy. I highly recommend it, it is powerful stuff.

I was also asked if I wanted to create and run a Lead Training program for work. It was pretty awesome that I was asked to do this and I have already started working on it, and have come up with some pretty cool things that I'm excited to present. I'll have to keep you all posted!

Alright, well that is it for now. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but that's all I got!

Until next time, read that book. 

3-2-1.. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Wait..what day is it?

Well Blog Readers, I just went back and reread the post from before my double shift. Maybe I should've titled this one, "I survived!" Let me start off by saying that I can't believe it is mid January already! Spending two weeks in the woods was quite the experience and it really distorted my concept of time. Thank everyone for the encouragement and prayers on my behalf, I am so grateful!

My life from the past two weeks (minus what I carry for work)

It was a very memorable couple weeks. I was in the same group and leading both weeks. Before Christmas we went and cut down a Roto tree and we did Secret Santa presents (wilderness style) and told stories and memories from our own lives. Most of the girls expressed some kind of gratitude at being there because they felt like the group was a family, it was kinda neat to see and experience. Christmas Eve was one of the first nights that it wasn't raining and the moon was out shinning brilliantly. As the girls were getting in bed one of them asked if she could sing Silent Night, and I knew that God was there. I mentioned that was a tradition that Willow Creek (my home church) does every Christmas, and here in the middle of the woods in North Carolina, I got to have that little tradition with me. It was very special. Later that night, after all the paperwork was done and the girls were sleeping, I stuffed stockings and my co-staff helped me hang them up. We put goodie bags under the tree and all the letters and cards they had received from their families. The next morning with santa hat on I witnessed pure excitement, joy and thankfulness. And it sent my heart soaring. The gifts were so small and yet to the girls it meant so much. We spent the morning in sleeping bags "opening" gifts and eating candy canes. There were tears but there was also laughter and gratitude. We had a special Christmas dinner with chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, annnnnd apple pie. And then, just as soon as it arrived, it left and we went on with the week.

The hardest day was the second Wednesday and then the Thursday after it. It was really hard seeing my co-staff who were only working a single shift leave. It was hard knowing that I was here for a whole other week! But I was working with a good friend and that made it a whole lot better. The second week actually went by pretty fast. We got transported out to expo and had some interesting moments. It was cold, very cold BUT it wasn't rainy. I will take freezing cold over rain ANY DAY. And the nights were clear which meant the stars were breathtaking, which was a little dangerous because the cold was also breathtaking.. soo. I also got to wake up to a unreal sunrise at least 3 mornings. I'm talking hand painted, stunning colors. So many beautiful things surrounded me, so many things for me to be grateful for.

I had brought out sparklers and popper things for NYE and we had a fun day playing games and then later playing with sparklers. Me and my co-staff saved the poppers and the next morning abruptly woke them up yelling and dancing! We got some great screams; it's the small things that keep you sane ;)

By the end of the two weeks I'd say that I knew the girls pretty well. I had some deep talks with some of them and offered up whatever help and words of wisdom I had. And by that time they had all, each one of them, had expressed deep gratitude towards me. Thanking me for making Christmas and NYE special, for showing them that I genuinely cared, for helping them. Those moments were special for me. Their words of appreciation really meant a lot to me.

These weeks were also the first time that a student wrote me a letter. She was graduating from the program and gave it to me before she left. Her and I checked in multiple times this week as she was struggling with some things. We got to talk through things and I helped her process and gave some insight on the situations. She wrote, "I am so grateful to have had you as a staff for my last two weeks. You have given me advice that I will use for the rest of my life." The letter goes on to say other things too, but that really struck me. There are so many times when I question my job and what I'm doing. There are many times when I feel like a wilderness babysitter who doesn't get paid enough. Then there are other times when I am blown away that I get paid to wake up to sunrises and lay under stars. But then there are times like these, when I get a reminder that these kids are still so young and that one way or another I am impacting their lives. Talk about powerful. My job is hard, more times than not frustrating, but it is also so incredible. I am very grateful to have the opportunity to impact the lives of these young people. And I hope that I can continue to remember that even through the hard times.

Anyway. I officially signed my papers to start working as climbing instructor! So that is exciting. And despite the chilly temperatures I still have been going out to ride! I have also received multiple cards and packages from family and friends and I just wanted to say that I am so grateful for those gifts and thoughts. It made coming back to my apartment special! I'm sure that I am leaving things out but that's all I got for now.

Until next time, do more of what makes your soul happy.